Giving You Peace Of Mind

Binks

2008-11-19T10:49:00.000Z

A long, long time ago, in a place far, far away
There came a prequel that should not have seen the light of day
A maudlin moody hero and a spoiled stilted minx
But worse - the great abomination known as Jar-Jar Binks

They took our childhood memories and they crushed them with their greed
And the plotless, pointless outpouring was very poor indeed
Yet with so much to criticise there's no reviewer thinks
There's any thing that's even near so bad as Jar-Jar Binks

One film would be quite bad enough - but that was just the starter
The careless, clueless cash-in merged and morphed to a three-parter
Across the nerveless narrative the only thing that links
This tear-stained trilogy of tripe: You guessed it - Jar-Jar Binks

So what's the problem with this guy? Why does he cause such hate?
The casual racism of his role and voice are quite third-rate
He sucks more than the film - and the film, quite frankly, stinks
His mere appearance makes you feel sick - that's Jar-Jar Binks

Who was it caused our throats to vomit bile and hate and mucus?
That hero of our youth, now steeped so low - George Walton Lucas
So gorged by George's greed the whole of Lucasfilm now drinks
Upon their worship of pure profit - they are worse than Jar-Jar Binks

2008-11-18T14:55:00.000Z

I don't know what dumbass designed week and month lengths so that months always start on different days but I reckon they need some sort of reorganisation... how about this:

Ten days to the week:
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Chillday (no work)
Pooday
Cheeseday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday (no work)
Catday (no work)

Three weeks (3 x 10 = 30 days) to the month:
Splurgeweek
Brokeweek
Payweek

Twelve months (30 x 12 = 360 days) to the year:
Firstuary
Deuceuary
Tertuary
Quads
Penton
Sexy
Juicy
Octust
Nonember
December
Elevenember
Twelvetember

Plus an extra five (or six, in leap-year) days at the end of the year which are all non-working days and are called:
New Year's Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve (or Coolday)
New Year's Eve Eve Eve Eve (or Wootday)
New Year's Eve Eve Eve (or Awesomeday)
New Year's Eve Eve (or Niceday)
New Year's Eve (or Newyear'seveday)
{in leap-years} Surprise Bonus Extra Holiday Day!

New Year's Day is a Monday, but also a non-working day.

This fabulous arrangement would still give 251 working days a year, whilst also making sure you work alternately three and then four days on the trot (because five is really one too many), and get a guaranteed eight-day break at the end of the year.

2008-10-21T13:16:00.001+01:00

http://www.justgiving.com/atheistbus

LOL

2008-10-20T09:18:00.001+01:00

"LOL" is not an acceptable substitute for a full stop.

Nor is "lol".

That is all.

How Banking Works

2008-09-22T21:12:00.003+01:00

Let's suppose you agree to lend me £10. For some reason you trust me not to spend it on hookers and crack cocaine, at least not in your absence. I promise that if you lend me the money for a year, I'll give you an extra £5 back at the end of it. I'll make this extra money by carefully investing the money you lent me.

Now let's suppose that Bill, Fred and Jim each want to borrow £10 to finance some potentially-profitable venture. If I agree to guarantee them £10, they each promise me £20 back at the end of it. I only have your £10 at the time so, picking randomly, I make a private arrangement with Fred to lend him the £10, which I do by writing him a cheque promising to pay it to him if he needs it.

Once this works out, I'll get the £10 back with an extra £10 profit. I'll give you back your £10 plus the £5 I promised you, and I'll get £5 for arranging everything.

Pay attention; here comes the clever bit:

"But wait!", I think to myself. "Only Fred knows that I committed the £10 to him. I could make money three times as quickly if I simply pretend that I still have that money, and write a £10 cheque for Bill and Jim, too. So long as two of them don't actually need the actual cash at the same time, I can always pay out the money if I ever need to!"

Plus, if I don't mention this brilliant scheme to you, I can keep the £10 profit from each venture all to myself, thus enabling me to acquire greater quantities of hookers, crack cocaine, &c.

So now I'll make three times as much money by pretending that I have a lot more money than I actually do... and because I got lucky the first few times and the ventures didn't fail, everyone trusts me! Ha ha ha ha, now I'm filthy rich and can look down my nose at all of you! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, except if several things do go wrong at the same time... oh I don't know, let's suppose that Bill, Fred and Jim each decide to lend their money on to, hmm, some not particularly rich people to, hmm, let's say, buy huge houses that they can't really afford, and then [sarcasm] entirely unpredictably [/sarcasm] all those people default on their loans at the same time, and then I have to pay out the actual money to Bill, Fred and Jim at the same time.

Then I'd be pretty fucked, wouldn't I?

As, indeed, would you, if you wanted your tenner back.

And that, children, is how banking works. Or, rather, doesn't.

Adverts, again

2008-03-18T08:21:00.002Z

"Are you looking for a better way to save money on your car insurance?" asked the man on the TV.

And yes, I was. Most people sit around thinking about football, or showbusiness, or - occasionally - the world and how to fix what's wrong with it, but there was me, that evening, thinking to myself, "Well, there are many means by which I could save money on my car insurance; however, somehow I don't seem to find any of them quite satisfactory. I wonder if there's a way that's, you know, similar to those ways but in some sense better."

Fuckwits.

Going the Distance

2008-02-28T09:16:00.003Z

My annual appraisal changed a while ago from requiring people to "go the extra mile" to merely going "the extra kilometre."

This is excellent news as it means I only have to do 62.1369949495% as much extra work as before.

However, it's worse news for my German colleagues. Previously we were required to do the same amount of extra work, however the German legal metre is 1.000013597 of a standard metre, meaning that now they will have to do nearly 0.0014% more extra work than me.

They thought they had a better metre, but who's laughing now, huh? Huh?

2008-02-23T10:52:00.001Z

I am definitely taken with this idea:

You play Mohandas Gandhi in a cheaply-licenced horizontally-scrolling action game knock-off. Can you take on the British Empire and earn the coveted title of "Mahatma"?

The game features the classic left, right, jump, duck and fire control combo, and allows you to take advantage of some Gandhi special moves such as Civil Disobedience.

Level ideas:

Level 1: South Africa
A qualified lawyer, you find yourself denied access to a train because of your race and, in true action game style, you go ape as a result.

Initially unarmed, you must make your way along the roof of a train from the tail carriage to the engine avoiding British guards, Boers, Zulu tribesmen, jumping between carriages and occasionally flying on gently-scrolling puffs of smoke from the engine. Power-ups on this level include swords and muskets. End-of-level: Steam engine driving area. End-of-level boss: Shaka Zulu, who throws spears at you and hides behind a giant shield. You must force him into the coal chamber in order to defeat him.

Level 5: Delhi
You race through the streets of Delhi on a moped (constant movement - no stopping) avoiding all other traffic and trying not to shoot locals. You are pursued by the Challenger tanks and Apache helicopters of the British army. Occasionally British troops will form a "thin red line" across the road, which you must jump. Power-ups on this level include surface-to-air rockets and an orbiting shield. End-of-level: The Golden Palace of Amritsar. End-of-level boss: The Man with the Golden Gun. You must defeat him with his own bullets by jumping around the palace and tilting the domes so they reflect his shots back at him.

Level 10: London
You walk through the seedy streets of London avoiding drug pushers, pimps with flick knives, laser-armed policemen with jetpacks and flying superhero Fathers For Justice crusaders. There are entrances to the London Underground where you must cut your way through swathes of commuters. End-of-level: Buckingham Palace. End-of-level boss: Winston Churchill, who fires exploding cigars at you. The only way to defeat him is to fight him on the beach, on the landing, in the field, on the street, and up the hill, because he'll never surrender.

2008-02-22T10:25:00.002Z

Dear inquirer,

Thank you for your interesting questions. I have provided answers inline:

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

When people say that they slept "like a baby", what they mean is that they were untroubled by the concerns of adult life; for example mortgage payments, job stress, relationship problems, and so forth - none of which trouble babies. It is an instantiation of the aphorism "without a care in the world".

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Yes. The names of legal proceedings are unaffected by the physical abilities or characteristics of the participants.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Batteries, like empires, go through a period of decline before they finally fail. Holding down the button and waving the remote about frantically can sometimes make the remote function during that period.

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

The banks have an expectation that you will honour your agreement with them and repay the money at some point in the future. In effect, they have grasped the concept of time, rather than living only for the present.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

This is because people have a tendency to focus on details (a) which affect them directly and (b) to which they can relate. It is of little importance to 'someone' whether there are 4,000,000,000 or 4,000,000,001 stars relative to whether they will have to buy new clothes if they sit on my freshly-painted garden furniture. Furthermore, it is much easier for them to verify facts relating to the wetness of immediately-tangible objects.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Needles are sterilized so as to reduce the risk of infection to those people who have to handle them, not just those people into whom they are stuck.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Tarzan is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that he shaves.

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Superman is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that using his knowledge of human behaviour and physics he was able to determine that, were the gun to bounce off him, it would be in a position where you could retrieve it and use it to harm some other person more easily than if it were to land with him between you and it.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

The purpose of a Kamikaze pilot is to reach their target intact, and then fly into it. The purposes of a flying helmet are (a) to protect the pilot's head while he is being bounced around in the cockpit and (b) to reduce the chance of redout or blackout during high-speed manoeuvres. The helmet is therefore an aid to the pilot in performing his mission.

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

The exact individual concerned is unknown, however it is known that the word originates from the Old English "wlyspian". Old English humour consisted mainly of references to sex and bodily functions, and irony, though known in ancient Greece, only became commonplace in England in the 18th century. Therefore it is unlikely that the word was created with this in mind.

What is the speed of darkness?

Darkness itself does not exist, being merely the absence of light. Therefore it has no manifestation and no speed.

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

No.

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

"Temperature" at a basic level defines the energy of subatomic particles. Therefore if you measured the average energy of a group subatomic particles using your particular temperature scale's definition of "zero", then found another group of subatomic particles which had, on average, half as much energy as your previous group, and used your thermometer to measure these particles, you would be able to see how cold it would be according to your own scale.
The only special case is "absolute zero", which is the point at which it is impossible to extract further energy from the particles. It is not possible for it to be twice as cold as absolute zero.

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

If it is true that I am here to help others, where another is "someone who isn't me", then by definition everyone else is also here to help people who aren't them. The veracity of the original proposition is, however, questionable.

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Married people do actually live longer, on average, than single people.

Do you cry under water?
I have never done this personally. It is possible, but not recommended.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

There was a great degree of competition between two of the most powerful nations the world has ever seen to see who could be first to land a human on the moon. This was at least partly because the struggle to achieve something seemingly impossible in a race against a known enemy is often a powerful unifying force for a nation. If people in general had regarded the creation of wheeled luggage as a virtually unachievable task, the completion of which would bring great honour to the nation concerned, then it is likely that it would have been invented earlier.

Footnote: The first man on the moon was, of course, the American Neil Armstrong, in 1969. The world had to wait twenty more years for wheeled luggage, which was invented by another American, airline pilot Robert Plath in 1989. The company he founded, "Travelpro", is still going strong in the world of luggage design and sales.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

The exact reason for this behaviour is unknown, although we can speculate that using the binoculars is only part of the whole "going up a tall building" experience, and perhaps not even the prime motivating factor.

Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

The answers to these questions are not known. It is likely that the idea of extracting maximum produce from already-cultivated livestock was driven by an increase in lifespan (and population) driven by the increasing moves to communal living caused itself by the requirements of an agricultural existence, and probably learned from observation of the behaviour of the animals in question. It is likely that many less appropriate ideas were tried, which led to the deaths of those concerned, so there may also be an evolutionary principle at work.

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

This is to ensure that the toaster operates comfortably within its optimum performance and usage band. Compare to family cars with top speeds of around 130 miles per hour, or the maximum volume of high-end hifis.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Many freezers do, in fact, feature internal illumination.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Pointing to your own posterior can be considered rude. It is generally unhelpful to be rude to someone whom you are asking to help you.

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

The act of undressing in front of someone carries with it certain social connotations which many medical professionals are keen to avoid.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Both Goofy and Pluto are fictional creations and therefore do not need to abide by the rules of the real world. Their actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that Goofy is designed to be primarily a human-like character given animal features for comic effect, whereas Pluto is designed to play a more dog-like role to Mickey the Mouse, who fulfils the human-like role in this case.

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Blind people do dream, yes. Whether they can see or not depends on the nature of the blindness. People who are blind from birth never develop their brain to manage visual concepts, so they do not see in their dreams. People who go blind later in life (after the age of around 6 years) do continue to dream visually. It is noted that the dreams of blind people often contain far more non-visual detail than those of sighted people.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
Quizzes are not, in fact, usually quizzical (which means "oddly comical"). In my experience, tests are generally irritating and inconvenient. My condolences on your death.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Baby Oil can contain a variety of ingredients. Here is a typical list: Lendula Officinalis flower extract, Chamomilla recutita (matricaria) flower extract, Fragrance (parfum), Limonene, Linalool, Geraniol.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

No. The actual word "morality" comes from the Latin "Moralitatem" meaning "character" or "manner", and the origin of the concept of morality, whilst the subject of much philosophical debate, is believed to originate from the evolutionary success of those creatures who co-operated - i.e. those who realised that the success of other members of the social group could also increase their own success. Morality thus became a natural impulse towards social cohesion. It is considered unlikely that it originates from morons.

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Both of these songs in fact took their tune from a French song of 1761 called "Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman", which is actually a song that a girl sings to her mother about how she was seduced by a gentleman by the name of "Silvandre", and not really suitable for young children at all.

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

It is possible that exposure to the letters of the alphabet, combined with suitable tuition and encouragement, can assist people in learning to read. It could therefore be argued that illiterate people have the potential to derive more benefit from Alphabet Soup than people who are already familiar with the letters of the alphabet.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

No, I have never noticed that. Why would anyone blow in a dog's face?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

In theory, it does not. However, with the very heavy wear and tear that elevator buttons experience, sometimes they fail to respond to the first press. I have even personally experienced elevator controls where the call light can come on without the call mechanism having, in fact, been activated. Pushing the elevator button more than once is therefore most likely a habit developed through experience of the less-than-100% reliability exhibited by elevators controls.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

No. I know why I gave you my e-mail address. The question is, do you?

Shut up, BBC

2007-11-15T20:14:00.000Z

Commercial television is supported by advertising.

It doesn't really want to be. Honestly. Commercial television bosses know that viewers hate adverts. Negotiations with advertising agencies are the bane of any TV employee's life. Plus, nowadays, everyone knows that almost all adverts are worthless lies. Frankly, commercial television would much rather not have it. But it needs it, because commercial television isn't free to make, and you, you lucky viewers, you get it for free.

Summary: Commercial television is supported by advertising because it has to be, not because it wants to be, or because it thinks that ramming toss down its viewers' throats is a good thing to be doing (with the exception of ITV, obviously, who seem to have based their programme schedule on that very principle).

SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SO MUCH PISSING ADVERTISING ON THE FUCKING BBC?

I turned on to watch Robin Hood the other night. Yes, I know, but I like it, so there. Anyway, between whatever it was that was before Robin Hood, and the appearance of the pleasantly-anachronistic Sheriff, I was treated to the following:

An advertisement for Eastenders. See my previous entry on Soap Operas. Sorry, I can't be arsed to figure out how to link it.
A quick cameo from seventy-nine-year-old Bruce Forsyth and some tart, telling me to be sure to tune in later so that I could find out the results of some vote about some dancing competition that is apparently being held. Now... if I had already watched the show, I would know to tune in later anyway and, if I had enjoyed the show as well, would already be planning to do so. If, as was the case, I hadn't watched the show, why the fuck would I care about the results? And either way, why is the BBC trying to drum up more people to watch their stuff when they get the sodding licence fee anyway?
An advertisement for a show called Joe Borrows A Big House, or something like that. Seemed to involve the cool guy out of Spooks in some capacity but I was too numbed and horrified by the thought of Bruce Forsyth dancing for my entertainment that it didn't really register.
Worst of all: On comes some twat of an announcer, and tells me something like this:

"And now, Robin Hood. Tonight, Robin has to deal with a traitor in his band, and Marion exposes a hint of cleavage to keep the dads interested, although there is no real plot justification for this behaviour."

Fuck. Off.

I'm just about to watch the show, during the course of which I will discover what the fuck happens in it, in the order and at the times determined by the show's writers, in order to give me the highest level of entertainment (once again recalling that this isn't an ITV show). Therefore I don't need someone to tell me - just before the show - what's going to happen in it. If, for some perverse reason, I did want to know what was going to happen in it, I could simply use the digibox OSD. Or, if I was the sort of person who wanted to know what was going to happen in TV programmes but who didn't have digital TV, I could have bought a Radio Times or one of those tat equivalents with all the celebrity gossip instead.

So, the question is, what function does the announcement serve? I'm going to watch the show anyway. Other people aren't. Are there really people out there who think "Oh, Robin Hood, that's shit, I wonder what utter toss is on ITV... oh, wait, a traitor in the gang, you say? Well, now I'll definitely watch it all the way through instead."?

Summary: BBC, stop the fuck advertising yourself and just tell me the name of the programme that's on next and (possibly) what will be on after that.

Oh, and another thing, no more "coming soon" trailers. I want a fucking date, God damn you. What, do you think I'm going to watch you more every day on the off chance that that might be the day you reveal the actual date the show starts?

Robin Hood was quite good though. Robin dealt with a traitor in his band, and Marion looked quite nice.

2007-11-03T16:21:00.000Z

Me: I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription, please.
Person: Oh, may I ask why?
Me: Yes. I think it's too expensive, and I already have Virgin phone and broadband, so I'm moving to them, because it's cheaper.
Person: Have you considered maybe changing your package? That would save you some money.
Me: Yes. I have considered changing it. To Virgin. That will save me some money.
Person: Only we have a great special deal available at the moment!
Me: You do? Really? Is it - in actual fact - great and special?
Person: Well, OK, no, it's not really that special.
Me: Fair enough, good effort though; you nearly had me there. What is it then?
Person: If anyone threatens to leave us, in a convincing enough fashion, we offer to pay £125 for their BT reconnection fee. Would that be of interest?
Me: Well, I guess it would be of interest, except that it isn't. You see, the thing is, it's actually cheaper for me to move to Virgin. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Person: OK, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive package, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: No, what I'm saying is, I hate giving my money to any millionaire, but now that I have the choice I'd rather give it to a silly beardy one than a hateful and rather suspect politically-dubious one.
Person: Sorry, I didn't quite follow that.
Me: Your boss is a git.
Person: Oh, right, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive boss, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: Is that a service you're likely to offer in the near future?
Person: Well, ok, no. Not really.
Me: Right, I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription then, please.
Person: OK, right you are. Thanks very much. Motherfucker.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Person: Oh, I said, "That's all done for you now, sir."
Me: Great. Bye then.
Person: Bye.

Heroes of Olympus

2007-09-13T17:42:00.000+01:00

O·lym·pi·an (ō-lĭm'pē-ən)
Surpassing all others in scope and effect

I am impressed by Olympic athletes. They push back the boundaries of what the human body can achieve. They inspire us all with their amazing endurance. They train damn hard. They are not ashamed to parade in front of world audiences wearing very tight shorts.

Admire the majestic poetry of the javelin thrower.

Witness the dynamic power of the sprinter.

Be amazed by the tenacity of the long-distance runner.

Gasp at the total fucking pointlessness of Olympic walking.

See, when I throw a javelin, I do it like an Olympic athlete. Nowhere near as well, but - basically speaking - it's the same idea. Same for sprinting. I don't go as fast as an athlete, but the principle is very similar. And long-distance running? Well, my distance just isn't as long, but sure enough, it's a recognisable approach otherwise. But Olympic walking? It's not walking like I walk only better, it's more like jogging but with pointless extra rules to make you look like a twat while you do it.

If you want to get somewhere else as fast as you can, you don't do walking but with extra speed, you run, you know, properly, like you really mean it. In fact, the only time in real life that people do anything remotely like Olympic walking is when they walk between you and the television, in that particular way that suggests they want you to notice that they are trying very hard not to interrupt you.

So my proposal to improve Olympic walking is to have them do it back and forth in front of an official who, throughout the event, attempts to watch a television. I think this would be probably be better than watching the conventional event, because there is a chance, after all, that something interesting might be on TV.

You'll Never Wait Alone

2007-05-24T21:52:00.000+01:00

Airport luggage carousels are a great invention. You all stand away from the carousel looking on, wait until you spot your baggage coming, step up to retrieve it, then get the fuck out of everyone else's way. Great.

However, there's always one person who has to step up right next to the carousel immediately and wait there for his (yes, it's always a man) bags to appear. And once hed does that, everyone has to do that, which means that now nobody can see whether there luggage is coming or not. Which means that whoever stepped up first is a selfish wanker who has now spoiled a perfectly good system for everyone else.

In other news, the former Eastern Bloc countries apparently have large numbers of crack marksmen who are no longer required by their armed forces. Some people will not initially see an opportunity connected to the previous paragraph here, but think about it for a moment. You will.

Especially for you. All of you.

2007-05-23T09:28:00.001+01:00

"Why not take advantage of this magnificent gift, designed just for you?" said the leaflet from the credit card company.

Aside from the fact that the magnificent gift in question was neither magnificent, being in fact a cheap pair of speakers for an iPod (which I don't have, incidentally), nor a gift, since I had to pay a large sum for "postage and insurance", turning over the leaflet revealed that I also had to fill in my name and address.

This left me wondering exactly how designed for me this magnificent gift really was.

One numpty, no vote

2007-05-09T16:37:00.000+01:00

Over 140,000 votes - out of a total of around two million - have been rejected in the recent Scottish elections, says the BBC.

Why? Because there were two votes on one ballot paper. The elector had to put a check in one box, then further down the page, rank some other candidates in order of preference. Apparently 7% of people found this too difficult.

Not exactly rocket science, though, is it?

Simple solution: Make all ballot papers at least this "complicated" from now on. If you're too stupid to follow basic instructions on a ballot paper, you're too stupid to have a say in who runs the country.

No representation without education!

Incidentally, my apologies to anyone who deliberately spoiled their vote by way of offering a protest - I don't mean to lump you in with an entirely different type of imbecile.

Vereinigtes Königreich

2007-05-04T16:17:00.000+01:00

I really don't know why so many people struggle with the difference between England, Great Britain, and the UK. It's extremely straightforward - allow me to explain using the following handy pocket reference guide which I have prepared for your convenience:

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is comprised of the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Province of Northern Ireland.

Northern Ireland is part of the land mass of Ireland but should not be confused with the Irish Republic (Eire), which is a state in its own right and nothing to do with the UK. Northern Ireland has its own set of laws, which are naturally enough created by the British Parliament based in Westminster, although there is some expectation that legislative power will shortly be devolved to Stormont.

The UK did at one stage include the whole of Ireland, and at that point was known as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, but the Irish didn't like this system particularly since they thought that Ireland should have come before Great Britain. It was therefore scaled down at a later date, mainly on account of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. The Irish are technically from Scotland.

Great Britain is comprised of the Kingdom of England, the Kingdom of Scotland, the Principality of Wales, and various other minor places. England is a Kingdom because it is ruled by a King (technically a Queen at present, but that's by the by). Scotland is also a Kingdom because it is also ruled by a King. The Scottish King is also the English King - this tradition was started with a Frenchman called James. Wales is a Principality because although it did have a King, he was a different King from the English King; this was against the rules and he was therefore replaced by an English Prince whom the English King at the time (Edward, who pretended to be French but who was technically in many senses really from Sweden) had just had delivered for the occasion. The Prince was also called Edward so as to prevent any confusion.

Great Britain is so called in order to prevent any confusion with Little Britain, which is actually part of France, although David Walliams mistakenly thinks otherwise, and the term "Briton" technically refers to a certain Celtic ethnic group which currently represents about 1% of the population of the UK, and is therefore an ideal choice as an appellation to describe its entire people. The English are technically from Scandinavia and Germany, the Scots are technically from Ireland (q.v. the Irish), and the Welsh are technically from England.

The Kingdom of England generally shares its law with the Principality of Wales, although the Welsh also have a separate Assembly with some lawmaking powers. English laws are created by the British Government in Westminster, the ruling body of which is comprised primarily of Scots. These particular Scots, however, are not responsible for laws in Scotland, which are passed by the Scottish Parliament, comprised of a different set of Scots. Therefore although Scotland and Wales (and even Northern Ireland in the very near future) have their own lawmaking bodies, England has no such separate body and is governed directly by the British Government. This gives rise to the West Lothian Question which relates to whether it is appropriate that e.g. Scottish MPs in Westminster can have a say in English affairs whereas English MPs in Westminster do not have a comparable say in Scottish affairs. It is also quite an irony since for the past 1000 years or so the English have spent most of their time telling the Welsh, the Scots and the Irish exactly what to do.

This clear and logical system translates easily into the international sphere. It should therefore be quite plain to the reader as to why England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland field four separate football teams, Northern Ireland and Great Britain (united) field two separate athletics teams (except in the Commonwealth Games), and the UK fields one united military which - for reasons which should by now be obvious - was based throughout the '70s and '80s mostly in Germany but is now based mostly in the Arabian desert.

It therefore makes perfect sense that the whole business is presided over by a Queen from Germany and a Prince Consort from Greece.

I hope this clears the matter up. Any questions?

Dropping like flies

2007-04-16T17:26:00.000+01:00

So, it's virtually summer, and everyone's getting their drop-top out to enjoy a brief bit of ideal convertible weather before it gets too hot.

There is an excellent game which you can play if you drive a drop-top. It works like this: Any time you see another convertible being driven (parked doesn't count), you win a point if your top is down and theirs is up, and you lose a point if yours is up and theirs is down.

At the end of the year, whoever has the most points wins!

I have 27 points so far, so you've a little catching up to do.

Trackie Bottoms

2007-04-10T15:52:00.000+01:00

The Man came to fix the tracker in my car today.

And by "The Man", I don't mean a metaphorical gestalt entity representing the harsher side of corporate capitalism, but an actual homo sapiens-type man man.

He suffered from terrible Builder's Bum.

Yes, naturally I had to look.

It has been suggested that this "makes me" gay.

Anyone who has ever seen The Man's builder's bum will know it's far more likely that if I were gay, it would rapidly have "made me" heterosexual.

Soapy tit - wank

2007-04-09T19:49:00.000+01:00

Soap Operas. Why do you watch them?

If you want to know what normal lives are like, just talk to some normal people. You don't need a TV for that. Plus you might make some friends. You will require basic communication skills, but these will come with practice.

If you already have friends, and you watch Soap Operas so as to have a common frame of reference about which to chat with your friends, why not agree on a different subject in advance? Who knows, you might even come up with an original and creative thought instead of becoming nothing but a vapid sponge for the tedious output of a manufactured and meaningless subgenre.

And no, your opinion is not as valid as mine. I had mine first.

Why Vegetarians Are Wrong

2007-04-06T17:23:00.000+01:00

One bar of butter, fresh from the dairy, and warmed just enough that it almost spreads.
One loaf of the finest ever-so-slightly-crusty bread, direct from the baker's.
And most important of all, eight slices of the world's best bacon, direct from the butcher's.

I sliced the bread and left a knob of butter on each slice.
I fried the bacon in a pan, using premium olive oil instead of cooking oil because I am decadent like that (and because I couldn't find any cooking oil).
I put the slices of bacon onto the bread so that the heat from the bacon melted the butter into the bread.

This is the finest cuisine known to man.

And that's why vegetarianism is wrong.

Wisdom of the Ages

2007-04-05T19:29:00.000+01:00

Thus spake the Wise Man:

Yea! Spare not the ice from the cola, for down this path lies the unrighteous state of lukewarm cola.

But stay also thy hand from filling the glass with ice unto its very brim before thou dost pour therein a single drop of thy cola, for thus thou wilt cause the cola to taste of mildly-carbonated water.

Treadest thou then the middle path, neither withholding clear coolness from thy liquid as the blasphemers, nor inundating it therein as the false and foolish heathen, but rather, seek solace and comfort in the offering of, say, two, or maybe three cubes, by which sign shall ye be known and welcomed amongst us as a true believer.

Ode to the Croquant

2007-04-05T17:41:00.000+01:00

Ode to the Croquant

There are many, many Croquants spread across the Empire's lands
Some are bigger than your feet and some are smaller than your hands
Croquants come in two varieties - one has a puffed-up chest;
But the other Croquant's noted for his fashionable crest.
Now learn these words of wisdom for it really doesn't do
To misidentify a Crested - they're divided into two:
The Lesser Crested Croquant's crest doth stand most fair and tall
But the Greater Crested Croquant has the greatest crest of all.

Prius Inter Pares

2007-04-05T12:26:00.000+01:00

On the three most recent occasions when I have left the building at which I work, a silver Toyota Prius has driven past.

I left at a different time on each occasion, and once, in a different direction.

It is obvious that the government have found out who I really am, and are having me surveilled. (See how I verbed that there? Nice.)

Why the government? Because surely only government agents would be simultaneously furtive and environmentally-conscious.

Economics in Action

2007-04-05T08:54:00.000+01:00

"I'm working on a $100,000 project," said my colleague. "It's going to save $150,000."

"Well I'm working on a $200,000 project," said my other colleague, "and it's going to save $350,000."

"Well," said I, "I'm working on a $500,000 project."

"How much is it going to save?" they chorused.

"Nothing. But it's very kind of you gentlemen to pay for it."

Apparently, the sort of project that doesn't save any money is also the easiest sort of project for which to get approval. That's economics in action.

Patchy quality control?

2007-04-04T17:22:00.000+01:00

In a recent game patch, the following problem was fixed:

"Attempting to turn in a charter with a signature from an ineligible player will no longer result in an inappropriate error message."

Please let it previously have said "Sod off, you cock."

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something poo

2007-04-04T00:01:00.000+01:00

Old:
Richard Herring, at 39*. He's very funny though. An excellent balance between rather clever multi-layered comedy and straight-up toilet humour.

New:
A ripped Burger King bag on your table is a great way of making sure people don't sit too close to you, even on a surprisingly-crowded midnight train back from London.

Borrowed:
A young girl on the train was crying because the battery in her mp3 player was bust and she had to go all the way to Shoeburyness (not a nice experience at the best of times). I "lent" her mine, although I don't suppose I'll be seeing it back again. I politely left aside the question of what a mere slip of a 14-odd-year-old was doing on her own on the midnight train coming back from London.

Poo:
In the Burger King they didn't have any Double Whoppers left, only a Double Whopper XL. I had a theory that this would be too big, but I bought it anyway. It was too big. Therefore, for the last part of the journey, I was holding in a huge poo, which my readers will be pleased to know I released into the depths of the sewerage system just before writing this entry.

Also, why is it a Double Whopper XL rather than, say, a Triple Whopper? Does it really all three of the words in its name to describe its size?

__
* This is called "poetic licence", incidentally.

The Great Fajita Swindle

2007-04-03T12:35:00.000+01:00

Mexican restaurants.

Everyone likes Mexican, but did you ever stop to consider...

At an Italian restaurant, you will pay for example £10 for a delicious main course. The ingredients for the course will be provided by the restaurant, cooked by the restaurant, and then presented to you, by the restaurant, in an aesthetically pleasing fashion ready for you to eat.

But at a Mexican restaurant, at which you will also pay £10 for a delicious main course, whilst the ingredients will be selected and cooked for you, you are beholden to scoop them up yourself and wrap them in some sort of consumable packaging.

Surely this should be done by the establishment? After all, isn't the point of paying to eat that people do the preparation for you?

Outrageous. Something Must Be Done.

See also Crispy Aromatic Duck.

On the 97th Day of Christmas...

2007-04-01T13:21:00.000+01:00

...my good friend gave to me "The Dangerous Book for Boys" by Conn Iggulden - who, by an amazing coincidence, is the author of the "Emperor" book I mentioned earlier today.

It contains much useful information and is recommended to everybody. Yes, even girls.

Examples of the useful information contained therein: How to make a bow and arrows; The laws of cricket; The story of Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson; How to teach tricks to a dog; A brief history of artillery; Common British trees.

Good.

New and Improved

2007-04-01T09:52:00.001+01:00

Is it possible for something to be both new and improved?

I think they are probably mutually exclusive.

My television thinks different.

If you liked sarcasm, you'll love irony

2007-04-01T09:16:00.000+01:00

"If you liked 'Gladiator', you'll love 'Emperor: The Gates of Rome'!" said the blurb on 'Emperor: The Gates of Rome'.

Now, leaving aside the questions of whether or not I did like (or love) either of these things, let us consider the implications of this type of assertion.

We can suppose that people who like something also have, in general, a tendency to like similar things. Furthermore, we can usually observe that the more similar things someone likes, and the more they like them, the more likely they are to like another similar but as-yet unexperienced thing.

This is how (and why) Last.fm works. I tell it that I love, let's say, HammerFall, Zero 7, and Savatage, and it suggests that perhaps I might like Nightwish. Correct, Last.fm. Go to the top of the class.

Imagine a band (or any other item within your subjective frame of reference) as a set of variables. The meaning or value of each is irrelevant, but what we are saying is that for several variables x, x(Nightwish) is similar to x(HammerFall), x(Zero 7), and x(Savatage), and that for several other variables y, y(Nightwish) is either dissimilar to y(the rest), or unknown. If there are many more xs than ys, it predicts that I will like Nightwish. Otherwise, it predicts that I won't.

So, the point is that whilst you can predict that someone might like something if they love something similar, you can't predict that someone will love something just because they like something similar.

I suppose that this entire entry could consist of the first paragraph and the previous paragraph, but it is early in the morning and I have nothing better to do.

Also, if you loved 'Gladiator', you might like 'Emperor: The Gates of Rome'.

The DVLA

2007-04-01T09:09:00.000+01:00

The DVLA are shit. I have proof.

Polite Welsh Man: Hello, this is the DVLA. How can I help?
Me: Hello, yes, I wonder if you can help me. My car tax is due at the end of this month, but I haven't received a reminder yet, the number from which I need in order to fill in your wizzy Internet application for a car tax disc, thus saving you, the government, money, thus saving me, the taxpayer, money, thus benefitting both of us in a mutual not-as-much-money-being-spent kind of a way.
PWM: Ah, no problem sir, we'll send one out right away. Can you just confirm the registration number?
Me: Yes, it's Sierra Five One Five Juliet Charlie, er, whatever the phonetic for "Y" is*.

(a brief dialogue ensues)

PWM: Ah, but you see the thing is, we haven't received a change of owner for that car, so the reminder will have gone to the old owner.
Me: Ah, but you see the thing is, I do own this car, I've owned it since September, I've got the car keys, I've got the code for the radio, I've got it pre-programmed to all the radio stations that I like, at least insofar as it's possible to like nine of the frankly rather poor radio stations currently available in this country. I've got the thing from the dealer that says it's mine, all my friends have seen me in it, my mum's taken my photo in it, I've even got that funny little bit of New Keeper paper and everything. I know: How about I just give you the number off that and you can send me the reminder that way?
PWM: I'm afraid you'll have to send us the New Keeper slip along with an Application Form. Then we'll send you a Log Book.
Me: And one I get a Log Book, I can get the car taxed, right?
PWM: That's right sir.
Me: OK, how long will that take?
PWM: About six weeks, sir, all being well.
Me: Six weeks huh? Well, that is very quick given the huge amount of effort clearly involved on your part, but I kind of need it taxed at the end of this month - that is to say, in considerably less than six days, never mind the sextuplet of weeks of which you speak. How could I get it taxed in the meantime? Can I get some sort of interim road tax dispensation order, perhaps, or a letter from the Queen?
PWM: I'm afraid not sir, obviously you'll have to keep it off the road until you want to get it taxed.
Me: Ah yes, that is obvious now you put it that way. But I want to get it taxed now. I have insurance, I have an MOT, I even have a ridiculous sum of money which I wish to give unto you as a token of respect for the superbly efficient administration system which it appears you have constructed.
PWM: Yes, but you don't have a Log Book, I'm afraid.
Me: And why don't I have a Log Book?
PWM: Because we haven't received details of you having taken ownership.
Me: But I've just given you the details.
PWM: We need it on the proper form, I'm afraid sir.
Me: But you accept that I'm the owner of the car?
PWM: Yes sir.
Me: And you accept that I have valid insurance, MOT, and some money with which to pay you the requisite price?
PWM: Yes sir.
Me: Yet despite these facts, despite the clear evidence that I am doing everything I possibly can in order to stay on the right side of the law, no matter what injustices and wrongs have been done unto me, the motoring public, by you, the evil persecuting public-transport-obsessed monolithic state, you still refuse to grant me the one thing I cherish and desire above all else** despite the relative simplicity of doing so, thus forcing me to choose between wilfully living the life of a brigand and an outlaw, or an inability to travel in my car in order to, for example, I don't know, get to my job perhaps, or do my shopping, yes, the shopping for the food and drink I require to live and without which my body will wither and die, or, well, let's say, visit my mother?
PWM: That's about the size of it, yes, sir.
Me: I see. Well, is there anything else you can suggest I do?
PWM: Yes sir. Perhaps you could leave the car off the road either on the drive that you don't have or in the garage that you also don't have, whilst using the contingency car that funnily enough you don't have either in order to fulfil your personal transport type requirements. Or you could perhaps indulge in a spot of pogo stickery? Or possibly you could fly around everywhere, if you're richer than Cardinal Richelieu and not too worried about the carbon emissions.
Me: Right, thanks then.
PWM: Is there anything else I can help you with today then, sir?
Me: I don't think it's technically possible to answer that question, since doing so would imply that you have already helped me with something, a conclusion clearly not in alignment with the facts as they present themselves for independent inspection, I think you must agree.
PWM: Okay, good point, anything else you want to discuss then?
Me: Yes. Fuck you, DVLA. Fuck you.
PWM: Thank you very much sir.
Me: Thanks then. Bye.
PWM: Goodbye.

___
* it's "Yankee", as it turns out
** my dear reader excepted, of course. If you are clever, pretty, rich, and single. And a girl.