Heroes of Olympus

O·lym·pi·an (ō-lĭm'pē-ən)
Surpassing all others in scope and effect

I am impressed by Olympic athletes. They push back the boundaries of what the human body can achieve. They inspire us all with their amazing endurance. They train damn hard. They are not ashamed to parade in front of world audiences wearing very tight shorts.

Admire the majestic poetry of the javelin thrower.

Witness the dynamic power of the sprinter.

Be amazed by the tenacity of the long-distance runner.

Gasp at the total fucking pointlessness of Olympic walking.

See, when I throw a javelin, I do it like an Olympic athlete. Nowhere near as well, but - basically speaking - it's the same idea. Same for sprinting. I don't go as fast as an athlete, but the principle is very similar. And long-distance running? Well, my distance just isn't as long, but sure enough, it's a recognisable approach otherwise. But Olympic walking? It's not walking like I walk only better, it's more like jogging but with pointless extra rules to make you look like a twat while you do it.

If you want to get somewhere else as fast as you can, you don't do walking but with extra speed, you run, you know, properly, like you really mean it. In fact, the only time in real life that people do anything remotely like Olympic walking is when they walk between you and the television, in that particular way that suggests they want you to notice that they are trying very hard not to interrupt you.

So my proposal to improve Olympic walking is to have them do it back and forth in front of an official who, throughout the event, attempts to watch a television. I think this would be probably be better than watching the conventional event, because there is a chance, after all, that something interesting might be on TV.