Me: I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription, please.
Person: Oh, may I ask why?
Me: Yes. I think it's too expensive, and I already have Virgin phone and broadband, so I'm moving to them, because it's cheaper.
Person: Have you considered maybe changing your package? That would save you some money.
Me: Yes. I have considered changing it. To Virgin. That will save me some money.
Person: Only we have a great special deal available at the moment!
Me: You do? Really? Is it - in actual fact - great and special?
Person: Well, OK, no, it's not really that special.
Me: Fair enough, good effort though; you nearly had me there. What is it then?
Person: If anyone threatens to leave us, in a convincing enough fashion, we offer to pay £125 for their BT reconnection fee. Would that be of interest?
Me: Well, I guess it would be of interest, except that it isn't. You see, the thing is, it's actually cheaper for me to move to Virgin. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Person: OK, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive package, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: No, what I'm saying is, I hate giving my money to any millionaire, but now that I have the choice I'd rather give it to a silly beardy one than a hateful and rather suspect politically-dubious one.
Person: Sorry, I didn't quite follow that.
Me: Your boss is a git.
Person: Oh, right, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive boss, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: Is that a service you're likely to offer in the near future?
Person: Well, ok, no. Not really.
Me: Right, I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription then, please.
Person: OK, right you are. Thanks very much. Motherfucker.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Person: Oh, I said, "That's all done for you now, sir."
Me: Great. Bye then.
Person: Bye.