Shut up, BBC

Commercial television is supported by advertising.

It doesn't really want to be. Honestly. Commercial television bosses know that viewers hate adverts. Negotiations with advertising agencies are the bane of any TV employee's life. Plus, nowadays, everyone knows that almost all adverts are worthless lies. Frankly, commercial television would much rather not have it. But it needs it, because commercial television isn't free to make, and you, you lucky viewers, you get it for free.

Summary: Commercial television is supported by advertising because it has to be, not because it wants to be, or because it thinks that ramming toss down its viewers' throats is a good thing to be doing (with the exception of ITV, obviously, who seem to have based their programme schedule on that very principle).

SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SO MUCH PISSING ADVERTISING ON THE FUCKING BBC?

I turned on to watch Robin Hood the other night. Yes, I know, but I like it, so there. Anyway, between whatever it was that was before Robin Hood, and the appearance of the pleasantly-anachronistic Sheriff, I was treated to the following:

1. An advertisement for Eastenders. See my previous entry on Soap Operas. Sorry, I can't be arsed to figure out how to link it.
2. A quick cameo from seventy-nine-year-old Bruce Forsyth and some tart, telling me to be sure to tune in later so that I could find out the results of some vote about some dancing competition that is apparently being held. Now... if I had already watched the show, I would know to tune in later anyway and, if I had enjoyed the show as well, would already be planning to do so. If, as was the case, I hadn't watched the show, why the fuck would I care about the results? And either way, why is the BBC trying to drum up more people to watch their stuff when they get the sodding licence fee anyway?
3. An advertisement for a show called Joe Borrows A Big House, or something like that. Seemed to involve the cool guy out of Spooks in some capacity but I was too numbed and horrified by the thought of Bruce Forsyth dancing for my entertainment that it didn't really register.
4. Worst of all: On comes some twat of an announcer, and tells me something like this:

"And now, Robin Hood. Tonight, Robin has to deal with a traitor in his band, and Marion exposes a hint of cleavage to keep the dads interested, although there is no real plot justification for this behaviour."

Fuck. Off.

I'm just about to watch the show, during the course of which I will discover what the fuck happens in it, in the order and at the times determined by the show's writers, in order to give me the highest level of entertainment (once again recalling that this isn't an ITV show). Therefore I don't need someone to tell me - just before the show - what's going to happen in it. If, for some perverse reason, I did want to know what was going to happen in it, I could simply use the digibox OSD. Or, if I was the sort of person who wanted to know what was going to happen in TV programmes but who didn't have digital TV, I could have bought a Radio Times or one of those tat equivalents with all the celebrity gossip instead.

So, the question is, what function does the announcement serve? I'm going to watch the show anyway. Other people aren't. Are there really people out there who think "Oh, Robin Hood, that's shit, I wonder what utter toss is on ITV... oh, wait, a traitor in the gang, you say? Well, now I'll definitely watch it all the way through instead."?

Summary: BBC, stop the fuck advertising yourself and just tell me the name of the programme that's on next and (possibly) what will be on after that.

Oh, and another thing, no more "coming soon" trailers. I want a fucking date, God damn you. What, do you think I'm going to watch you more every day on the off chance that that might be the day you reveal the actual date the show starts?

Robin Hood was quite good though. Robin dealt with a traitor in his band, and Marion looked quite nice.

Me: I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription, please.
Person: Oh, may I ask why?
Me: Yes. I think it's too expensive, and I already have Virgin phone and broadband, so I'm moving to them, because it's cheaper.
Person: Have you considered maybe changing your package? That would save you some money.
Me: Yes. I have considered changing it. To Virgin. That will save me some money.
Person: Only we have a great special deal available at the moment!
Me: You do? Really? Is it - in actual fact - great and special?
Person: Well, OK, no, it's not really that special.
Me: Fair enough, good effort though; you nearly had me there. What is it then?
Person: If anyone threatens to leave us, in a convincing enough fashion, we offer to pay £125 for their BT reconnection fee. Would that be of interest?
Me: Well, I guess it would be of interest, except that it isn't. You see, the thing is, it's actually cheaper for me to move to Virgin. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Person: OK, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive package, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: No, what I'm saying is, I hate giving my money to any millionaire, but now that I have the choice I'd rather give it to a silly beardy one than a hateful and rather suspect politically-dubious one.
Person: Sorry, I didn't quite follow that.
Me: Your boss is a git.
Person: Oh, right, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive boss, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: Is that a service you're likely to offer in the near future?
Person: Well, ok, no. Not really.
Me: Right, I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription then, please.
Person: OK, right you are. Thanks very much. Motherfucker.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Person: Oh, I said, "That's all done for you now, sir."
Me: Great. Bye then.
Person: Bye.

Heroes of Olympus

O·lym·pi·an (ō-lĭm'pē-ən)
Surpassing all others in scope and effect

I am impressed by Olympic athletes. They push back the boundaries of what the human body can achieve. They inspire us all with their amazing endurance. They train damn hard. They are not ashamed to parade in front of world audiences wearing very tight shorts.

Admire the majestic poetry of the javelin thrower.

Witness the dynamic power of the sprinter.

Be amazed by the tenacity of the long-distance runner.

Gasp at the total fucking pointlessness of Olympic walking.

See, when I throw a javelin, I do it like an Olympic athlete. Nowhere near as well, but - basically speaking - it's the same idea. Same for sprinting. I don't go as fast as an athlete, but the principle is very similar. And long-distance running? Well, my distance just isn't as long, but sure enough, it's a recognisable approach otherwise. But Olympic walking? It's not walking like I walk only better, it's more like jogging but with pointless extra rules to make you look like a twat while you do it.

If you want to get somewhere else as fast as you can, you don't do walking but with extra speed, you run, you know, properly, like you really mean it. In fact, the only time in real life that people do anything remotely like Olympic walking is when they walk between you and the television, in that particular way that suggests they want you to notice that they are trying very hard not to interrupt you.

So my proposal to improve Olympic walking is to have them do it back and forth in front of an official who, throughout the event, attempts to watch a television. I think this would be probably be better than watching the conventional event, because there is a chance, after all, that something interesting might be on TV.

You'll Never Wait Alone

Airport luggage carousels are a great invention. You all stand away from the carousel looking on, wait until you spot your baggage coming, step up to retrieve it, then get the fuck out of everyone else's way. Great.

However, there's always one person who has to step up right next to the carousel immediately and wait there for his (yes, it's always a man) bags to appear. And once hed does that, everyone has to do that, which means that now nobody can see whether there luggage is coming or not. Which means that whoever stepped up first is a selfish wanker who has now spoiled a perfectly good system for everyone else.

In other news, the former Eastern Bloc countries apparently have large numbers of crack marksmen who are no longer required by their armed forces. Some people will not initially see an opportunity connected to the previous paragraph here, but think about it for a moment. You will.

Especially for you. All of you.

"Why not take advantage of this magnificent gift, designed just for you?" said the leaflet from the credit card company.

Aside from the fact that the magnificent gift in question was neither magnificent, being in fact a cheap pair of speakers for an iPod (which I don't have, incidentally), nor a gift, since I had to pay a large sum for "postage and insurance", turning over the leaflet revealed that I also had to fill in my name and address.

This left me wondering exactly how designed for me this magnificent gift really was.

One numpty, no vote

Over 140,000 votes - out of a total of around two million - have been rejected in the recent Scottish elections, says the BBC.

Why? Because there were two votes on one ballot paper. The elector had to put a check in one box, then further down the page, rank some other candidates in order of preference. Apparently 7% of people found this too difficult.

Not exactly rocket science, though, is it?

Simple solution: Make all ballot papers at least this "complicated" from now on. If you're too stupid to follow basic instructions on a ballot paper, you're too stupid to have a say in who runs the country.

No representation without education!

Incidentally, my apologies to anyone who deliberately spoiled their vote by way of offering a protest - I don't mean to lump you in with an entirely different type of imbecile.

Vereinigtes Königreich

I really don't know why so many people struggle with the difference between England, Great Britain, and the UK. It's extremely straightforward - allow me to explain using the following handy pocket reference guide which I have prepared for your convenience:

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is comprised of the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Province of Northern Ireland.

Northern Ireland is part of the land mass of Ireland but should not be confused with the Irish Republic (Eire), which is a state in its own right and nothing to do with the UK. Northern Ireland has its own set of laws, which are naturally enough created by the British Parliament based in Westminster, although there is some expectation that legislative power will shortly be devolved to Stormont.

The UK did at one stage include the whole of Ireland, and at that point was known as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, but the Irish didn't like this system particularly since they thought that Ireland should have come before Great Britain. It was therefore scaled down at a later date, mainly on account of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. The Irish are technically from Scotland.

Great Britain is comprised of the Kingdom of England, the Kingdom of Scotland, the Principality of Wales, and various other minor places. England is a Kingdom because it is ruled by a King (technically a Queen at present, but that's by the by). Scotland is also a Kingdom because it is also ruled by a King. The Scottish King is also the English King - this tradition was started with a Frenchman called James. Wales is a Principality because although it did have a King, he was a different King from the English King; this was against the rules and he was therefore replaced by an English Prince whom the English King at the time (Edward, who pretended to be French but who was technically in many senses really from Sweden) had just had delivered for the occasion. The Prince was also called Edward so as to prevent any confusion.

Great Britain is so called in order to prevent any confusion with Little Britain, which is actually part of France, although David Walliams mistakenly thinks otherwise, and the term "Briton" technically refers to a certain Celtic ethnic group which currently represents about 1% of the population of the UK, and is therefore an ideal choice as an appellation to describe its entire people. The English are technically from Scandinavia and Germany, the Scots are technically from Ireland (q.v. the Irish), and the Welsh are technically from England.

The Kingdom of England generally shares its law with the Principality of Wales, although the Welsh also have a separate Assembly with some lawmaking powers. English laws are created by the British Government in Westminster, the ruling body of which is comprised primarily of Scots. These particular Scots, however, are not responsible for laws in Scotland, which are passed by the Scottish Parliament, comprised of a different set of Scots. Therefore although Scotland and Wales (and even Northern Ireland in the very near future) have their own lawmaking bodies, England has no such separate body and is governed directly by the British Government. This gives rise to the West Lothian Question which relates to whether it is appropriate that e.g. Scottish MPs in Westminster can have a say in English affairs whereas English MPs in Westminster do not have a comparable say in Scottish affairs. It is also quite an irony since for the past 1000 years or so the English have spent most of their time telling the Welsh, the Scots and the Irish exactly what to do.

This clear and logical system translates easily into the international sphere. It should therefore be quite plain to the reader as to why England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland field four separate football teams, Northern Ireland and Great Britain (united) field two separate athletics teams (except in the Commonwealth Games), and the UK fields one united military which - for reasons which should by now be obvious - was based throughout the '70s and '80s mostly in Germany but is now based mostly in the Arabian desert.

It therefore makes perfect sense that the whole business is presided over by a Queen from Germany and a Prince Consort from Greece.

I hope this clears the matter up. Any questions?