"Are you looking for a better way to save money on your car insurance?" asked the man on the TV.
And yes, I was. Most people sit around thinking about football, or showbusiness, or - occasionally - the world and how to fix what's wrong with it, but there was me, that evening, thinking to myself, "Well, there are many means by which I could save money on my car insurance; however, somehow I don't seem to find any of them quite satisfactory. I wonder if there's a way that's, you know, similar to those ways but in some sense better."
Fuckwits.
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Going the Distance
My annual appraisal changed a while ago from requiring people to "go the extra mile" to merely going "the extra kilometre."
This is excellent news as it means I only have to do 62.1369949495% as much extra work as before.
However, it's worse news for my German colleagues. Previously we were required to do the same amount of extra work, however the German legal metre is 1.000013597 of a standard metre, meaning that now they will have to do nearly 0.0014% more extra work than me.
They thought they had a better metre, but who's laughing now, huh? Huh?
This is excellent news as it means I only have to do 62.1369949495% as much extra work as before.
However, it's worse news for my German colleagues. Previously we were required to do the same amount of extra work, however the German legal metre is 1.000013597 of a standard metre, meaning that now they will have to do nearly 0.0014% more extra work than me.
They thought they had a better metre, but who's laughing now, huh? Huh?
Saturday, 23 February 2008
I am definitely taken with this idea:
You play Mohandas Gandhi in a cheaply-licenced horizontally-scrolling action game knock-off. Can you take on the British Empire and earn the coveted title of "Mahatma"?
The game features the classic left, right, jump, duck and fire control combo, and allows you to take advantage of some Gandhi special moves such as Civil Disobedience.
Level ideas:
Level 1: South Africa
A qualified lawyer, you find yourself denied access to a train because of your race and, in true action game style, you go ape as a result.
Initially unarmed, you must make your way along the roof of a train from the tail carriage to the engine avoiding British guards, Boers, Zulu tribesmen, jumping between carriages and occasionally flying on gently-scrolling puffs of smoke from the engine. Power-ups on this level include swords and muskets. End-of-level: Steam engine driving area. End-of-level boss: Shaka Zulu, who throws spears at you and hides behind a giant shield. You must force him into the coal chamber in order to defeat him.
Level 5: Delhi
You race through the streets of Delhi on a moped (constant movement - no stopping) avoiding all other traffic and trying not to shoot locals. You are pursued by the Challenger tanks and Apache helicopters of the British army. Occasionally British troops will form a "thin red line" across the road, which you must jump. Power-ups on this level include surface-to-air rockets and an orbiting shield. End-of-level: The Golden Palace of Amritsar. End-of-level boss: The Man with the Golden Gun. You must defeat him with his own bullets by jumping around the palace and tilting the domes so they reflect his shots back at him.
Level 10: London
You walk through the seedy streets of London avoiding drug pushers, pimps with flick knives, laser-armed policemen with jetpacks and flying superhero Fathers For Justice crusaders. There are entrances to the London Underground where you must cut your way through swathes of commuters. End-of-level: Buckingham Palace. End-of-level boss: Winston Churchill, who fires exploding cigars at you. The only way to defeat him is to fight him on the beach, on the landing, in the field, on the street, and up the hill, because he'll never surrender.
You play Mohandas Gandhi in a cheaply-licenced horizontally-scrolling action game knock-off. Can you take on the British Empire and earn the coveted title of "Mahatma"?
The game features the classic left, right, jump, duck and fire control combo, and allows you to take advantage of some Gandhi special moves such as Civil Disobedience.
Level ideas:
Level 1: South Africa
A qualified lawyer, you find yourself denied access to a train because of your race and, in true action game style, you go ape as a result.
Initially unarmed, you must make your way along the roof of a train from the tail carriage to the engine avoiding British guards, Boers, Zulu tribesmen, jumping between carriages and occasionally flying on gently-scrolling puffs of smoke from the engine. Power-ups on this level include swords and muskets. End-of-level: Steam engine driving area. End-of-level boss: Shaka Zulu, who throws spears at you and hides behind a giant shield. You must force him into the coal chamber in order to defeat him.
Level 5: Delhi
You race through the streets of Delhi on a moped (constant movement - no stopping) avoiding all other traffic and trying not to shoot locals. You are pursued by the Challenger tanks and Apache helicopters of the British army. Occasionally British troops will form a "thin red line" across the road, which you must jump. Power-ups on this level include surface-to-air rockets and an orbiting shield. End-of-level: The Golden Palace of Amritsar. End-of-level boss: The Man with the Golden Gun. You must defeat him with his own bullets by jumping around the palace and tilting the domes so they reflect his shots back at him.
Level 10: London
You walk through the seedy streets of London avoiding drug pushers, pimps with flick knives, laser-armed policemen with jetpacks and flying superhero Fathers For Justice crusaders. There are entrances to the London Underground where you must cut your way through swathes of commuters. End-of-level: Buckingham Palace. End-of-level boss: Winston Churchill, who fires exploding cigars at you. The only way to defeat him is to fight him on the beach, on the landing, in the field, on the street, and up the hill, because he'll never surrender.
Friday, 22 February 2008
Dear inquirer,
Thank you for your interesting questions. I have provided answers inline:
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
When people say that they slept "like a baby", what they mean is that they were untroubled by the concerns of adult life; for example mortgage payments, job stress, relationship problems, and so forth - none of which trouble babies. It is an instantiation of the aphorism "without a care in the world".
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes. The names of legal proceedings are unaffected by the physical abilities or characteristics of the participants.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Batteries, like empires, go through a period of decline before they finally fail. Holding down the button and waving the remote about frantically can sometimes make the remote function during that period.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
The banks have an expectation that you will honour your agreement with them and repay the money at some point in the future. In effect, they have grasped the concept of time, rather than living only for the present.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
This is because people have a tendency to focus on details (a) which affect them directly and (b) to which they can relate. It is of little importance to 'someone' whether there are 4,000,000,000 or 4,000,000,001 stars relative to whether they will have to buy new clothes if they sit on my freshly-painted garden furniture. Furthermore, it is much easier for them to verify facts relating to the wetness of immediately-tangible objects.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Needles are sterilized so as to reduce the risk of infection to those people who have to handle them, not just those people into whom they are stuck.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Tarzan is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that he shaves.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Superman is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that using his knowledge of human behaviour and physics he was able to determine that, were the gun to bounce off him, it would be in a position where you could retrieve it and use it to harm some other person more easily than if it were to land with him between you and it.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
The purpose of a Kamikaze pilot is to reach their target intact, and then fly into it. The purposes of a flying helmet are (a) to protect the pilot's head while he is being bounced around in the cockpit and (b) to reduce the chance of redout or blackout during high-speed manoeuvres. The helmet is therefore an aid to the pilot in performing his mission.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
The exact individual concerned is unknown, however it is known that the word originates from the Old English "wlyspian". Old English humour consisted mainly of references to sex and bodily functions, and irony, though known in ancient Greece, only became commonplace in England in the 18th century. Therefore it is unlikely that the word was created with this in mind.
What is the speed of darkness?
Darkness itself does not exist, being merely the absence of light. Therefore it has no manifestation and no speed.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
No.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
"Temperature" at a basic level defines the energy of subatomic particles. Therefore if you measured the average energy of a group subatomic particles using your particular temperature scale's definition of "zero", then found another group of subatomic particles which had, on average, half as much energy as your previous group, and used your thermometer to measure these particles, you would be able to see how cold it would be according to your own scale.
The only special case is "absolute zero", which is the point at which it is impossible to extract further energy from the particles. It is not possible for it to be twice as cold as absolute zero.
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If it is true that I am here to help others, where another is "someone who isn't me", then by definition everyone else is also here to help people who aren't them. The veracity of the original proposition is, however, questionable.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Married people do actually live longer, on average, than single people.
Do you cry under water?
I have never done this personally. It is possible, but not recommended.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
There was a great degree of competition between two of the most powerful nations the world has ever seen to see who could be first to land a human on the moon. This was at least partly because the struggle to achieve something seemingly impossible in a race against a known enemy is often a powerful unifying force for a nation. If people in general had regarded the creation of wheeled luggage as a virtually unachievable task, the completion of which would bring great honour to the nation concerned, then it is likely that it would have been invented earlier.
Footnote: The first man on the moon was, of course, the American Neil Armstrong, in 1969. The world had to wait twenty more years for wheeled luggage, which was invented by another American, airline pilot Robert Plath in 1989. The company he founded, "Travelpro", is still going strong in the world of luggage design and sales.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The exact reason for this behaviour is unknown, although we can speculate that using the binoculars is only part of the whole "going up a tall building" experience, and perhaps not even the prime motivating factor.
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
The answers to these questions are not known. It is likely that the idea of extracting maximum produce from already-cultivated livestock was driven by an increase in lifespan (and population) driven by the increasing moves to communal living caused itself by the requirements of an agricultural existence, and probably learned from observation of the behaviour of the animals in question. It is likely that many less appropriate ideas were tried, which led to the deaths of those concerned, so there may also be an evolutionary principle at work.
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
This is to ensure that the toaster operates comfortably within its optimum performance and usage band. Compare to family cars with top speeds of around 130 miles per hour, or the maximum volume of high-end hifis.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Many freezers do, in fact, feature internal illumination.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Pointing to your own posterior can be considered rude. It is generally unhelpful to be rude to someone whom you are asking to help you.
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
The act of undressing in front of someone carries with it certain social connotations which many medical professionals are keen to avoid.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Both Goofy and Pluto are fictional creations and therefore do not need to abide by the rules of the real world. Their actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that Goofy is designed to be primarily a human-like character given animal features for comic effect, whereas Pluto is designed to play a more dog-like role to Mickey the Mouse, who fulfils the human-like role in this case.
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people do dream, yes. Whether they can see or not depends on the nature of the blindness. People who are blind from birth never develop their brain to manage visual concepts, so they do not see in their dreams. People who go blind later in life (after the age of around 6 years) do continue to dream visually. It is noted that the dreams of blind people often contain far more non-visual detail than those of sighted people.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
Quizzes are not, in fact, usually quizzical (which means "oddly comical"). In my experience, tests are generally irritating and inconvenient. My condolences on your death.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Baby Oil can contain a variety of ingredients. Here is a typical list: Lendula Officinalis flower extract, Chamomilla recutita (matricaria) flower extract, Fragrance (parfum), Limonene, Linalool, Geraniol.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No. The actual word "morality" comes from the Latin "Moralitatem" meaning "character" or "manner", and the origin of the concept of morality, whilst the subject of much philosophical debate, is believed to originate from the evolutionary success of those creatures who co-operated - i.e. those who realised that the success of other members of the social group could also increase their own success. Morality thus became a natural impulse towards social cohesion. It is considered unlikely that it originates from morons.
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Both of these songs in fact took their tune from a French song of 1761 called "Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman", which is actually a song that a girl sings to her mother about how she was seduced by a gentleman by the name of "Silvandre", and not really suitable for young children at all.
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
It is possible that exposure to the letters of the alphabet, combined with suitable tuition and encouragement, can assist people in learning to read. It could therefore be argued that illiterate people have the potential to derive more benefit from Alphabet Soup than people who are already familiar with the letters of the alphabet.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
No, I have never noticed that. Why would anyone blow in a dog's face?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
In theory, it does not. However, with the very heavy wear and tear that elevator buttons experience, sometimes they fail to respond to the first press. I have even personally experienced elevator controls where the call light can come on without the call mechanism having, in fact, been activated. Pushing the elevator button more than once is therefore most likely a habit developed through experience of the less-than-100% reliability exhibited by elevators controls.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
No. I know why I gave you my e-mail address. The question is, do you?
Thank you for your interesting questions. I have provided answers inline:
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
When people say that they slept "like a baby", what they mean is that they were untroubled by the concerns of adult life; for example mortgage payments, job stress, relationship problems, and so forth - none of which trouble babies. It is an instantiation of the aphorism "without a care in the world".
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes. The names of legal proceedings are unaffected by the physical abilities or characteristics of the participants.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Batteries, like empires, go through a period of decline before they finally fail. Holding down the button and waving the remote about frantically can sometimes make the remote function during that period.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
The banks have an expectation that you will honour your agreement with them and repay the money at some point in the future. In effect, they have grasped the concept of time, rather than living only for the present.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
This is because people have a tendency to focus on details (a) which affect them directly and (b) to which they can relate. It is of little importance to 'someone' whether there are 4,000,000,000 or 4,000,000,001 stars relative to whether they will have to buy new clothes if they sit on my freshly-painted garden furniture. Furthermore, it is much easier for them to verify facts relating to the wetness of immediately-tangible objects.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Needles are sterilized so as to reduce the risk of infection to those people who have to handle them, not just those people into whom they are stuck.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Tarzan is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that he shaves.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Superman is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that using his knowledge of human behaviour and physics he was able to determine that, were the gun to bounce off him, it would be in a position where you could retrieve it and use it to harm some other person more easily than if it were to land with him between you and it.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
The purpose of a Kamikaze pilot is to reach their target intact, and then fly into it. The purposes of a flying helmet are (a) to protect the pilot's head while he is being bounced around in the cockpit and (b) to reduce the chance of redout or blackout during high-speed manoeuvres. The helmet is therefore an aid to the pilot in performing his mission.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
The exact individual concerned is unknown, however it is known that the word originates from the Old English "wlyspian". Old English humour consisted mainly of references to sex and bodily functions, and irony, though known in ancient Greece, only became commonplace in England in the 18th century. Therefore it is unlikely that the word was created with this in mind.
What is the speed of darkness?
Darkness itself does not exist, being merely the absence of light. Therefore it has no manifestation and no speed.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
No.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
"Temperature" at a basic level defines the energy of subatomic particles. Therefore if you measured the average energy of a group subatomic particles using your particular temperature scale's definition of "zero", then found another group of subatomic particles which had, on average, half as much energy as your previous group, and used your thermometer to measure these particles, you would be able to see how cold it would be according to your own scale.
The only special case is "absolute zero", which is the point at which it is impossible to extract further energy from the particles. It is not possible for it to be twice as cold as absolute zero.
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If it is true that I am here to help others, where another is "someone who isn't me", then by definition everyone else is also here to help people who aren't them. The veracity of the original proposition is, however, questionable.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Married people do actually live longer, on average, than single people.
Do you cry under water?
I have never done this personally. It is possible, but not recommended.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
There was a great degree of competition between two of the most powerful nations the world has ever seen to see who could be first to land a human on the moon. This was at least partly because the struggle to achieve something seemingly impossible in a race against a known enemy is often a powerful unifying force for a nation. If people in general had regarded the creation of wheeled luggage as a virtually unachievable task, the completion of which would bring great honour to the nation concerned, then it is likely that it would have been invented earlier.
Footnote: The first man on the moon was, of course, the American Neil Armstrong, in 1969. The world had to wait twenty more years for wheeled luggage, which was invented by another American, airline pilot Robert Plath in 1989. The company he founded, "Travelpro", is still going strong in the world of luggage design and sales.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The exact reason for this behaviour is unknown, although we can speculate that using the binoculars is only part of the whole "going up a tall building" experience, and perhaps not even the prime motivating factor.
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
The answers to these questions are not known. It is likely that the idea of extracting maximum produce from already-cultivated livestock was driven by an increase in lifespan (and population) driven by the increasing moves to communal living caused itself by the requirements of an agricultural existence, and probably learned from observation of the behaviour of the animals in question. It is likely that many less appropriate ideas were tried, which led to the deaths of those concerned, so there may also be an evolutionary principle at work.
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
This is to ensure that the toaster operates comfortably within its optimum performance and usage band. Compare to family cars with top speeds of around 130 miles per hour, or the maximum volume of high-end hifis.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Many freezers do, in fact, feature internal illumination.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Pointing to your own posterior can be considered rude. It is generally unhelpful to be rude to someone whom you are asking to help you.
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
The act of undressing in front of someone carries with it certain social connotations which many medical professionals are keen to avoid.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Both Goofy and Pluto are fictional creations and therefore do not need to abide by the rules of the real world. Their actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that Goofy is designed to be primarily a human-like character given animal features for comic effect, whereas Pluto is designed to play a more dog-like role to Mickey the Mouse, who fulfils the human-like role in this case.
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people do dream, yes. Whether they can see or not depends on the nature of the blindness. People who are blind from birth never develop their brain to manage visual concepts, so they do not see in their dreams. People who go blind later in life (after the age of around 6 years) do continue to dream visually. It is noted that the dreams of blind people often contain far more non-visual detail than those of sighted people.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
Quizzes are not, in fact, usually quizzical (which means "oddly comical"). In my experience, tests are generally irritating and inconvenient. My condolences on your death.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Baby Oil can contain a variety of ingredients. Here is a typical list: Lendula Officinalis flower extract, Chamomilla recutita (matricaria) flower extract, Fragrance (parfum), Limonene, Linalool, Geraniol.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No. The actual word "morality" comes from the Latin "Moralitatem" meaning "character" or "manner", and the origin of the concept of morality, whilst the subject of much philosophical debate, is believed to originate from the evolutionary success of those creatures who co-operated - i.e. those who realised that the success of other members of the social group could also increase their own success. Morality thus became a natural impulse towards social cohesion. It is considered unlikely that it originates from morons.
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Both of these songs in fact took their tune from a French song of 1761 called "Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman", which is actually a song that a girl sings to her mother about how she was seduced by a gentleman by the name of "Silvandre", and not really suitable for young children at all.
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
It is possible that exposure to the letters of the alphabet, combined with suitable tuition and encouragement, can assist people in learning to read. It could therefore be argued that illiterate people have the potential to derive more benefit from Alphabet Soup than people who are already familiar with the letters of the alphabet.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
No, I have never noticed that. Why would anyone blow in a dog's face?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
In theory, it does not. However, with the very heavy wear and tear that elevator buttons experience, sometimes they fail to respond to the first press. I have even personally experienced elevator controls where the call light can come on without the call mechanism having, in fact, been activated. Pushing the elevator button more than once is therefore most likely a habit developed through experience of the less-than-100% reliability exhibited by elevators controls.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
No. I know why I gave you my e-mail address. The question is, do you?
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Shut up, BBC
Commercial television is supported by advertising.
It doesn't really want to be. Honestly. Commercial television bosses know that viewers hate adverts. Negotiations with advertising agencies are the bane of any TV employee's life. Plus, nowadays, everyone knows that almost all adverts are worthless lies. Frankly, commercial television would much rather not have it. But it needs it, because commercial television isn't free to make, and you, you lucky viewers, you get it for free.
Summary: Commercial television is supported by advertising because it has to be, not because it wants to be, or because it thinks that ramming toss down its viewers' throats is a good thing to be doing (with the exception of ITV, obviously, who seem to have based their programme schedule on that very principle).
SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SO MUCH PISSING ADVERTISING ON THE FUCKING BBC?
I turned on to watch Robin Hood the other night. Yes, I know, but I like it, so there. Anyway, between whatever it was that was before Robin Hood, and the appearance of the pleasantly-anachronistic Sheriff, I was treated to the following:
It doesn't really want to be. Honestly. Commercial television bosses know that viewers hate adverts. Negotiations with advertising agencies are the bane of any TV employee's life. Plus, nowadays, everyone knows that almost all adverts are worthless lies. Frankly, commercial television would much rather not have it. But it needs it, because commercial television isn't free to make, and you, you lucky viewers, you get it for free.
Summary: Commercial television is supported by advertising because it has to be, not because it wants to be, or because it thinks that ramming toss down its viewers' throats is a good thing to be doing (with the exception of ITV, obviously, who seem to have based their programme schedule on that very principle).
SO WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SO MUCH PISSING ADVERTISING ON THE FUCKING BBC?
I turned on to watch Robin Hood the other night. Yes, I know, but I like it, so there. Anyway, between whatever it was that was before Robin Hood, and the appearance of the pleasantly-anachronistic Sheriff, I was treated to the following:
- An advertisement for Eastenders. See my previous entry on Soap Operas. Sorry, I can't be arsed to figure out how to link it.
- A quick cameo from seventy-nine-year-old Bruce Forsyth and some tart, telling me to be sure to tune in later so that I could find out the results of some vote about some dancing competition that is apparently being held. Now... if I had already watched the show, I would know to tune in later anyway and, if I had enjoyed the show as well, would already be planning to do so. If, as was the case, I hadn't watched the show, why the fuck would I care about the results? And either way, why is the BBC trying to drum up more people to watch their stuff when they get the sodding licence fee anyway?
- An advertisement for a show called Joe Borrows A Big House, or something like that. Seemed to involve the cool guy out of Spooks in some capacity but I was too numbed and horrified by the thought of Bruce Forsyth dancing for my entertainment that it didn't really register.
- Worst of all: On comes some twat of an announcer, and tells me something like this:
"And now, Robin Hood. Tonight, Robin has to deal with a traitor in his band, and Marion exposes a hint of cleavage to keep the dads interested, although there is no real plot justification for this behaviour."
Fuck. Off.
I'm just about to watch the show, during the course of which I will discover what the fuck happens in it, in the order and at the times determined by the show's writers, in order to give me the highest level of entertainment (once again recalling that this isn't an ITV show). Therefore I don't need someone to tell me - just before the show - what's going to happen in it. If, for some perverse reason, I did want to know what was going to happen in it, I could simply use the digibox OSD. Or, if I was the sort of person who wanted to know what was going to happen in TV programmes but who didn't have digital TV, I could have bought a Radio Times or one of those tat equivalents with all the celebrity gossip instead.
So, the question is, what function does the announcement serve? I'm going to watch the show anyway. Other people aren't. Are there really people out there who think "Oh, Robin Hood, that's shit, I wonder what utter toss is on ITV... oh, wait, a traitor in the gang, you say? Well, now I'll definitely watch it all the way through instead."?
Summary: BBC, stop the fuck advertising yourself and just tell me the name of the programme that's on next and (possibly) what will be on after that.
Oh, and another thing, no more "coming soon" trailers. I want a fucking date, God damn you. What, do you think I'm going to watch you more every day on the off chance that that might be the day you reveal the actual date the show starts?
Robin Hood was quite good though. Robin dealt with a traitor in his band, and Marion looked quite nice.
Saturday, 3 November 2007
Me: I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription, please.
Person: Oh, may I ask why?
Me: Yes. I think it's too expensive, and I already have Virgin phone and broadband, so I'm moving to them, because it's cheaper.
Person: Have you considered maybe changing your package? That would save you some money.
Me: Yes. I have considered changing it. To Virgin. That will save me some money.
Person: Only we have a great special deal available at the moment!
Me: You do? Really? Is it - in actual fact - great and special?
Person: Well, OK, no, it's not really that special.
Me: Fair enough, good effort though; you nearly had me there. What is it then?
Person: If anyone threatens to leave us, in a convincing enough fashion, we offer to pay £125 for their BT reconnection fee. Would that be of interest?
Me: Well, I guess it would be of interest, except that it isn't. You see, the thing is, it's actually cheaper for me to move to Virgin. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Person: OK, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive package, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: No, what I'm saying is, I hate giving my money to any millionaire, but now that I have the choice I'd rather give it to a silly beardy one than a hateful and rather suspect politically-dubious one.
Person: Sorry, I didn't quite follow that.
Me: Your boss is a git.
Person: Oh, right, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive boss, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: Is that a service you're likely to offer in the near future?
Person: Well, ok, no. Not really.
Me: Right, I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription then, please.
Person: OK, right you are. Thanks very much. Motherfucker.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Person: Oh, I said, "That's all done for you now, sir."
Me: Great. Bye then.
Person: Bye.
Person: Oh, may I ask why?
Me: Yes. I think it's too expensive, and I already have Virgin phone and broadband, so I'm moving to them, because it's cheaper.
Person: Have you considered maybe changing your package? That would save you some money.
Me: Yes. I have considered changing it. To Virgin. That will save me some money.
Person: Only we have a great special deal available at the moment!
Me: You do? Really? Is it - in actual fact - great and special?
Person: Well, OK, no, it's not really that special.
Me: Fair enough, good effort though; you nearly had me there. What is it then?
Person: If anyone threatens to leave us, in a convincing enough fashion, we offer to pay £125 for their BT reconnection fee. Would that be of interest?
Me: Well, I guess it would be of interest, except that it isn't. You see, the thing is, it's actually cheaper for me to move to Virgin. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Person: OK, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive package, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: No, what I'm saying is, I hate giving my money to any millionaire, but now that I have the choice I'd rather give it to a silly beardy one than a hateful and rather suspect politically-dubious one.
Person: Sorry, I didn't quite follow that.
Me: Your boss is a git.
Person: Oh, right, so what you're saying is, if we could come back with a competitive boss, you'd want to stick with Sky, right?
Me: Is that a service you're likely to offer in the near future?
Person: Well, ok, no. Not really.
Me: Right, I'd like to cancel my Sky subscription then, please.
Person: OK, right you are. Thanks very much. Motherfucker.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Person: Oh, I said, "That's all done for you now, sir."
Me: Great. Bye then.
Person: Bye.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Heroes of Olympus
O·lym·pi·an (ō-lĭm'pē-ən)
Surpassing all others in scope and effect
I am impressed by Olympic athletes. They push back the boundaries of what the human body can achieve. They inspire us all with their amazing endurance. They train damn hard. They are not ashamed to parade in front of world audiences wearing very tight shorts.
Admire the majestic poetry of the javelin thrower.
Witness the dynamic power of the sprinter.
Be amazed by the tenacity of the long-distance runner.
Gasp at the total fucking pointlessness of Olympic walking.
See, when I throw a javelin, I do it like an Olympic athlete. Nowhere near as well, but - basically speaking - it's the same idea. Same for sprinting. I don't go as fast as an athlete, but the principle is very similar. And long-distance running? Well, my distance just isn't as long, but sure enough, it's a recognisable approach otherwise. But Olympic walking? It's not walking like I walk only better, it's more like jogging but with pointless extra rules to make you look like a twat while you do it.
If you want to get somewhere else as fast as you can, you don't do walking but with extra speed, you run, you know, properly, like you really mean it. In fact, the only time in real life that people do anything remotely like Olympic walking is when they walk between you and the television, in that particular way that suggests they want you to notice that they are trying very hard not to interrupt you.
So my proposal to improve Olympic walking is to have them do it back and forth in front of an official who, throughout the event, attempts to watch a television. I think this would be probably be better than watching the conventional event, because there is a chance, after all, that something interesting might be on TV.
Surpassing all others in scope and effect
I am impressed by Olympic athletes. They push back the boundaries of what the human body can achieve. They inspire us all with their amazing endurance. They train damn hard. They are not ashamed to parade in front of world audiences wearing very tight shorts.
Admire the majestic poetry of the javelin thrower.
Witness the dynamic power of the sprinter.
Be amazed by the tenacity of the long-distance runner.
Gasp at the total fucking pointlessness of Olympic walking.
See, when I throw a javelin, I do it like an Olympic athlete. Nowhere near as well, but - basically speaking - it's the same idea. Same for sprinting. I don't go as fast as an athlete, but the principle is very similar. And long-distance running? Well, my distance just isn't as long, but sure enough, it's a recognisable approach otherwise. But Olympic walking? It's not walking like I walk only better, it's more like jogging but with pointless extra rules to make you look like a twat while you do it.
If you want to get somewhere else as fast as you can, you don't do walking but with extra speed, you run, you know, properly, like you really mean it. In fact, the only time in real life that people do anything remotely like Olympic walking is when they walk between you and the television, in that particular way that suggests they want you to notice that they are trying very hard not to interrupt you.
So my proposal to improve Olympic walking is to have them do it back and forth in front of an official who, throughout the event, attempts to watch a television. I think this would be probably be better than watching the conventional event, because there is a chance, after all, that something interesting might be on TV.
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