My annual appraisal changed a while ago from requiring people to "go the extra mile" to merely going "the extra kilometre."
This is excellent news as it means I only have to do 62.1369949495% as much extra work as before.
However, it's worse news for my German colleagues. Previously we were required to do the same amount of extra work, however the German legal metre is 1.000013597 of a standard metre, meaning that now they will have to do nearly 0.0014% more extra work than me.
They thought they had a better metre, but who's laughing now, huh? Huh?
Thursday 28 February 2008
Saturday 23 February 2008
I am definitely taken with this idea:
You play Mohandas Gandhi in a cheaply-licenced horizontally-scrolling action game knock-off. Can you take on the British Empire and earn the coveted title of "Mahatma"?
The game features the classic left, right, jump, duck and fire control combo, and allows you to take advantage of some Gandhi special moves such as Civil Disobedience.
Level ideas:
Level 1: South Africa
A qualified lawyer, you find yourself denied access to a train because of your race and, in true action game style, you go ape as a result.
Initially unarmed, you must make your way along the roof of a train from the tail carriage to the engine avoiding British guards, Boers, Zulu tribesmen, jumping between carriages and occasionally flying on gently-scrolling puffs of smoke from the engine. Power-ups on this level include swords and muskets. End-of-level: Steam engine driving area. End-of-level boss: Shaka Zulu, who throws spears at you and hides behind a giant shield. You must force him into the coal chamber in order to defeat him.
Level 5: Delhi
You race through the streets of Delhi on a moped (constant movement - no stopping) avoiding all other traffic and trying not to shoot locals. You are pursued by the Challenger tanks and Apache helicopters of the British army. Occasionally British troops will form a "thin red line" across the road, which you must jump. Power-ups on this level include surface-to-air rockets and an orbiting shield. End-of-level: The Golden Palace of Amritsar. End-of-level boss: The Man with the Golden Gun. You must defeat him with his own bullets by jumping around the palace and tilting the domes so they reflect his shots back at him.
Level 10: London
You walk through the seedy streets of London avoiding drug pushers, pimps with flick knives, laser-armed policemen with jetpacks and flying superhero Fathers For Justice crusaders. There are entrances to the London Underground where you must cut your way through swathes of commuters. End-of-level: Buckingham Palace. End-of-level boss: Winston Churchill, who fires exploding cigars at you. The only way to defeat him is to fight him on the beach, on the landing, in the field, on the street, and up the hill, because he'll never surrender.
You play Mohandas Gandhi in a cheaply-licenced horizontally-scrolling action game knock-off. Can you take on the British Empire and earn the coveted title of "Mahatma"?
The game features the classic left, right, jump, duck and fire control combo, and allows you to take advantage of some Gandhi special moves such as Civil Disobedience.
Level ideas:
Level 1: South Africa
A qualified lawyer, you find yourself denied access to a train because of your race and, in true action game style, you go ape as a result.
Initially unarmed, you must make your way along the roof of a train from the tail carriage to the engine avoiding British guards, Boers, Zulu tribesmen, jumping between carriages and occasionally flying on gently-scrolling puffs of smoke from the engine. Power-ups on this level include swords and muskets. End-of-level: Steam engine driving area. End-of-level boss: Shaka Zulu, who throws spears at you and hides behind a giant shield. You must force him into the coal chamber in order to defeat him.
Level 5: Delhi
You race through the streets of Delhi on a moped (constant movement - no stopping) avoiding all other traffic and trying not to shoot locals. You are pursued by the Challenger tanks and Apache helicopters of the British army. Occasionally British troops will form a "thin red line" across the road, which you must jump. Power-ups on this level include surface-to-air rockets and an orbiting shield. End-of-level: The Golden Palace of Amritsar. End-of-level boss: The Man with the Golden Gun. You must defeat him with his own bullets by jumping around the palace and tilting the domes so they reflect his shots back at him.
Level 10: London
You walk through the seedy streets of London avoiding drug pushers, pimps with flick knives, laser-armed policemen with jetpacks and flying superhero Fathers For Justice crusaders. There are entrances to the London Underground where you must cut your way through swathes of commuters. End-of-level: Buckingham Palace. End-of-level boss: Winston Churchill, who fires exploding cigars at you. The only way to defeat him is to fight him on the beach, on the landing, in the field, on the street, and up the hill, because he'll never surrender.
Friday 22 February 2008
Dear inquirer,
Thank you for your interesting questions. I have provided answers inline:
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
When people say that they slept "like a baby", what they mean is that they were untroubled by the concerns of adult life; for example mortgage payments, job stress, relationship problems, and so forth - none of which trouble babies. It is an instantiation of the aphorism "without a care in the world".
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes. The names of legal proceedings are unaffected by the physical abilities or characteristics of the participants.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Batteries, like empires, go through a period of decline before they finally fail. Holding down the button and waving the remote about frantically can sometimes make the remote function during that period.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
The banks have an expectation that you will honour your agreement with them and repay the money at some point in the future. In effect, they have grasped the concept of time, rather than living only for the present.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
This is because people have a tendency to focus on details (a) which affect them directly and (b) to which they can relate. It is of little importance to 'someone' whether there are 4,000,000,000 or 4,000,000,001 stars relative to whether they will have to buy new clothes if they sit on my freshly-painted garden furniture. Furthermore, it is much easier for them to verify facts relating to the wetness of immediately-tangible objects.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Needles are sterilized so as to reduce the risk of infection to those people who have to handle them, not just those people into whom they are stuck.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Tarzan is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that he shaves.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Superman is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that using his knowledge of human behaviour and physics he was able to determine that, were the gun to bounce off him, it would be in a position where you could retrieve it and use it to harm some other person more easily than if it were to land with him between you and it.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
The purpose of a Kamikaze pilot is to reach their target intact, and then fly into it. The purposes of a flying helmet are (a) to protect the pilot's head while he is being bounced around in the cockpit and (b) to reduce the chance of redout or blackout during high-speed manoeuvres. The helmet is therefore an aid to the pilot in performing his mission.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
The exact individual concerned is unknown, however it is known that the word originates from the Old English "wlyspian". Old English humour consisted mainly of references to sex and bodily functions, and irony, though known in ancient Greece, only became commonplace in England in the 18th century. Therefore it is unlikely that the word was created with this in mind.
What is the speed of darkness?
Darkness itself does not exist, being merely the absence of light. Therefore it has no manifestation and no speed.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
No.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
"Temperature" at a basic level defines the energy of subatomic particles. Therefore if you measured the average energy of a group subatomic particles using your particular temperature scale's definition of "zero", then found another group of subatomic particles which had, on average, half as much energy as your previous group, and used your thermometer to measure these particles, you would be able to see how cold it would be according to your own scale.
The only special case is "absolute zero", which is the point at which it is impossible to extract further energy from the particles. It is not possible for it to be twice as cold as absolute zero.
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If it is true that I am here to help others, where another is "someone who isn't me", then by definition everyone else is also here to help people who aren't them. The veracity of the original proposition is, however, questionable.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Married people do actually live longer, on average, than single people.
Do you cry under water?
I have never done this personally. It is possible, but not recommended.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
There was a great degree of competition between two of the most powerful nations the world has ever seen to see who could be first to land a human on the moon. This was at least partly because the struggle to achieve something seemingly impossible in a race against a known enemy is often a powerful unifying force for a nation. If people in general had regarded the creation of wheeled luggage as a virtually unachievable task, the completion of which would bring great honour to the nation concerned, then it is likely that it would have been invented earlier.
Footnote: The first man on the moon was, of course, the American Neil Armstrong, in 1969. The world had to wait twenty more years for wheeled luggage, which was invented by another American, airline pilot Robert Plath in 1989. The company he founded, "Travelpro", is still going strong in the world of luggage design and sales.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The exact reason for this behaviour is unknown, although we can speculate that using the binoculars is only part of the whole "going up a tall building" experience, and perhaps not even the prime motivating factor.
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
The answers to these questions are not known. It is likely that the idea of extracting maximum produce from already-cultivated livestock was driven by an increase in lifespan (and population) driven by the increasing moves to communal living caused itself by the requirements of an agricultural existence, and probably learned from observation of the behaviour of the animals in question. It is likely that many less appropriate ideas were tried, which led to the deaths of those concerned, so there may also be an evolutionary principle at work.
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
This is to ensure that the toaster operates comfortably within its optimum performance and usage band. Compare to family cars with top speeds of around 130 miles per hour, or the maximum volume of high-end hifis.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Many freezers do, in fact, feature internal illumination.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Pointing to your own posterior can be considered rude. It is generally unhelpful to be rude to someone whom you are asking to help you.
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
The act of undressing in front of someone carries with it certain social connotations which many medical professionals are keen to avoid.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Both Goofy and Pluto are fictional creations and therefore do not need to abide by the rules of the real world. Their actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that Goofy is designed to be primarily a human-like character given animal features for comic effect, whereas Pluto is designed to play a more dog-like role to Mickey the Mouse, who fulfils the human-like role in this case.
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people do dream, yes. Whether they can see or not depends on the nature of the blindness. People who are blind from birth never develop their brain to manage visual concepts, so they do not see in their dreams. People who go blind later in life (after the age of around 6 years) do continue to dream visually. It is noted that the dreams of blind people often contain far more non-visual detail than those of sighted people.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
Quizzes are not, in fact, usually quizzical (which means "oddly comical"). In my experience, tests are generally irritating and inconvenient. My condolences on your death.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Baby Oil can contain a variety of ingredients. Here is a typical list: Lendula Officinalis flower extract, Chamomilla recutita (matricaria) flower extract, Fragrance (parfum), Limonene, Linalool, Geraniol.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No. The actual word "morality" comes from the Latin "Moralitatem" meaning "character" or "manner", and the origin of the concept of morality, whilst the subject of much philosophical debate, is believed to originate from the evolutionary success of those creatures who co-operated - i.e. those who realised that the success of other members of the social group could also increase their own success. Morality thus became a natural impulse towards social cohesion. It is considered unlikely that it originates from morons.
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Both of these songs in fact took their tune from a French song of 1761 called "Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman", which is actually a song that a girl sings to her mother about how she was seduced by a gentleman by the name of "Silvandre", and not really suitable for young children at all.
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
It is possible that exposure to the letters of the alphabet, combined with suitable tuition and encouragement, can assist people in learning to read. It could therefore be argued that illiterate people have the potential to derive more benefit from Alphabet Soup than people who are already familiar with the letters of the alphabet.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
No, I have never noticed that. Why would anyone blow in a dog's face?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
In theory, it does not. However, with the very heavy wear and tear that elevator buttons experience, sometimes they fail to respond to the first press. I have even personally experienced elevator controls where the call light can come on without the call mechanism having, in fact, been activated. Pushing the elevator button more than once is therefore most likely a habit developed through experience of the less-than-100% reliability exhibited by elevators controls.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
No. I know why I gave you my e-mail address. The question is, do you?
Thank you for your interesting questions. I have provided answers inline:
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
When people say that they slept "like a baby", what they mean is that they were untroubled by the concerns of adult life; for example mortgage payments, job stress, relationship problems, and so forth - none of which trouble babies. It is an instantiation of the aphorism "without a care in the world".
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes. The names of legal proceedings are unaffected by the physical abilities or characteristics of the participants.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Batteries, like empires, go through a period of decline before they finally fail. Holding down the button and waving the remote about frantically can sometimes make the remote function during that period.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
The banks have an expectation that you will honour your agreement with them and repay the money at some point in the future. In effect, they have grasped the concept of time, rather than living only for the present.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
This is because people have a tendency to focus on details (a) which affect them directly and (b) to which they can relate. It is of little importance to 'someone' whether there are 4,000,000,000 or 4,000,000,001 stars relative to whether they will have to buy new clothes if they sit on my freshly-painted garden furniture. Furthermore, it is much easier for them to verify facts relating to the wetness of immediately-tangible objects.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Needles are sterilized so as to reduce the risk of infection to those people who have to handle them, not just those people into whom they are stuck.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Tarzan is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that he shaves.
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Superman is a fictional creation and therefore does not need to abide by the rules of the real world. His actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that using his knowledge of human behaviour and physics he was able to determine that, were the gun to bounce off him, it would be in a position where you could retrieve it and use it to harm some other person more easily than if it were to land with him between you and it.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
The purpose of a Kamikaze pilot is to reach their target intact, and then fly into it. The purposes of a flying helmet are (a) to protect the pilot's head while he is being bounced around in the cockpit and (b) to reduce the chance of redout or blackout during high-speed manoeuvres. The helmet is therefore an aid to the pilot in performing his mission.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
The exact individual concerned is unknown, however it is known that the word originates from the Old English "wlyspian". Old English humour consisted mainly of references to sex and bodily functions, and irony, though known in ancient Greece, only became commonplace in England in the 18th century. Therefore it is unlikely that the word was created with this in mind.
What is the speed of darkness?
Darkness itself does not exist, being merely the absence of light. Therefore it has no manifestation and no speed.
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
No.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
"Temperature" at a basic level defines the energy of subatomic particles. Therefore if you measured the average energy of a group subatomic particles using your particular temperature scale's definition of "zero", then found another group of subatomic particles which had, on average, half as much energy as your previous group, and used your thermometer to measure these particles, you would be able to see how cold it would be according to your own scale.
The only special case is "absolute zero", which is the point at which it is impossible to extract further energy from the particles. It is not possible for it to be twice as cold as absolute zero.
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If it is true that I am here to help others, where another is "someone who isn't me", then by definition everyone else is also here to help people who aren't them. The veracity of the original proposition is, however, questionable.
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Married people do actually live longer, on average, than single people.
Do you cry under water?
I have never done this personally. It is possible, but not recommended.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
There was a great degree of competition between two of the most powerful nations the world has ever seen to see who could be first to land a human on the moon. This was at least partly because the struggle to achieve something seemingly impossible in a race against a known enemy is often a powerful unifying force for a nation. If people in general had regarded the creation of wheeled luggage as a virtually unachievable task, the completion of which would bring great honour to the nation concerned, then it is likely that it would have been invented earlier.
Footnote: The first man on the moon was, of course, the American Neil Armstrong, in 1969. The world had to wait twenty more years for wheeled luggage, which was invented by another American, airline pilot Robert Plath in 1989. The company he founded, "Travelpro", is still going strong in the world of luggage design and sales.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The exact reason for this behaviour is unknown, although we can speculate that using the binoculars is only part of the whole "going up a tall building" experience, and perhaps not even the prime motivating factor.
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
The answers to these questions are not known. It is likely that the idea of extracting maximum produce from already-cultivated livestock was driven by an increase in lifespan (and population) driven by the increasing moves to communal living caused itself by the requirements of an agricultural existence, and probably learned from observation of the behaviour of the animals in question. It is likely that many less appropriate ideas were tried, which led to the deaths of those concerned, so there may also be an evolutionary principle at work.
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
This is to ensure that the toaster operates comfortably within its optimum performance and usage band. Compare to family cars with top speeds of around 130 miles per hour, or the maximum volume of high-end hifis.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Many freezers do, in fact, feature internal illumination.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Pointing to your own posterior can be considered rude. It is generally unhelpful to be rude to someone whom you are asking to help you.
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
The act of undressing in front of someone carries with it certain social connotations which many medical professionals are keen to avoid.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Both Goofy and Pluto are fictional creations and therefore do not need to abide by the rules of the real world. Their actions cannot therefore be explained by reference to rules of logic and norms developed in the real world. One could speculate, perhaps, that Goofy is designed to be primarily a human-like character given animal features for comic effect, whereas Pluto is designed to play a more dog-like role to Mickey the Mouse, who fulfils the human-like role in this case.
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
Blind people do dream, yes. Whether they can see or not depends on the nature of the blindness. People who are blind from birth never develop their brain to manage visual concepts, so they do not see in their dreams. People who go blind later in life (after the age of around 6 years) do continue to dream visually. It is noted that the dreams of blind people often contain far more non-visual detail than those of sighted people.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
Quizzes are not, in fact, usually quizzical (which means "oddly comical"). In my experience, tests are generally irritating and inconvenient. My condolences on your death.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Baby Oil can contain a variety of ingredients. Here is a typical list: Lendula Officinalis flower extract, Chamomilla recutita (matricaria) flower extract, Fragrance (parfum), Limonene, Linalool, Geraniol.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No. The actual word "morality" comes from the Latin "Moralitatem" meaning "character" or "manner", and the origin of the concept of morality, whilst the subject of much philosophical debate, is believed to originate from the evolutionary success of those creatures who co-operated - i.e. those who realised that the success of other members of the social group could also increase their own success. Morality thus became a natural impulse towards social cohesion. It is considered unlikely that it originates from morons.
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Both of these songs in fact took their tune from a French song of 1761 called "Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman", which is actually a song that a girl sings to her mother about how she was seduced by a gentleman by the name of "Silvandre", and not really suitable for young children at all.
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
It is possible that exposure to the letters of the alphabet, combined with suitable tuition and encouragement, can assist people in learning to read. It could therefore be argued that illiterate people have the potential to derive more benefit from Alphabet Soup than people who are already familiar with the letters of the alphabet.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
No, I have never noticed that. Why would anyone blow in a dog's face?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
In theory, it does not. However, with the very heavy wear and tear that elevator buttons experience, sometimes they fail to respond to the first press. I have even personally experienced elevator controls where the call light can come on without the call mechanism having, in fact, been activated. Pushing the elevator button more than once is therefore most likely a habit developed through experience of the less-than-100% reliability exhibited by elevators controls.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
No. I know why I gave you my e-mail address. The question is, do you?
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