Airport luggage carousels are a great invention. You all stand away from the carousel looking on, wait until you spot your baggage coming, step up to retrieve it, then get the fuck out of everyone else's way. Great.
However, there's always one person who has to step up right next to the carousel immediately and wait there for his (yes, it's always a man) bags to appear. And once hed does that, everyone has to do that, which means that now nobody can see whether there luggage is coming or not. Which means that whoever stepped up first is a selfish wanker who has now spoiled a perfectly good system for everyone else.
In other news, the former Eastern Bloc countries apparently have large numbers of crack marksmen who are no longer required by their armed forces. Some people will not initially see an opportunity connected to the previous paragraph here, but think about it for a moment. You will.
Thursday 24 May 2007
Wednesday 23 May 2007
Especially for you. All of you.
"Why not take advantage of this magnificent gift, designed just for you?" said the leaflet from the credit card company.
Aside from the fact that the magnificent gift in question was neither magnificent, being in fact a cheap pair of speakers for an iPod (which I don't have, incidentally), nor a gift, since I had to pay a large sum for "postage and insurance", turning over the leaflet revealed that I also had to fill in my name and address.
This left me wondering exactly how designed for me this magnificent gift really was.
Aside from the fact that the magnificent gift in question was neither magnificent, being in fact a cheap pair of speakers for an iPod (which I don't have, incidentally), nor a gift, since I had to pay a large sum for "postage and insurance", turning over the leaflet revealed that I also had to fill in my name and address.
This left me wondering exactly how designed for me this magnificent gift really was.
Wednesday 9 May 2007
One numpty, no vote
Over 140,000 votes - out of a total of around two million - have been rejected in the recent Scottish elections, says the BBC.
Why? Because there were two votes on one ballot paper. The elector had to put a check in one box, then further down the page, rank some other candidates in order of preference. Apparently 7% of people found this too difficult.
Not exactly rocket science, though, is it?
Simple solution: Make all ballot papers at least this "complicated" from now on. If you're too stupid to follow basic instructions on a ballot paper, you're too stupid to have a say in who runs the country.
Why? Because there were two votes on one ballot paper. The elector had to put a check in one box, then further down the page, rank some other candidates in order of preference. Apparently 7% of people found this too difficult.
Not exactly rocket science, though, is it?
Simple solution: Make all ballot papers at least this "complicated" from now on. If you're too stupid to follow basic instructions on a ballot paper, you're too stupid to have a say in who runs the country.
No representation without education!
Incidentally, my apologies to anyone who deliberately spoiled their vote by way of offering a protest - I don't mean to lump you in with an entirely different type of imbecile.
Friday 4 May 2007
Vereinigtes Königreich
I really don't know why so many people struggle with the difference between England, Great Britain, and the UK. It's extremely straightforward - allow me to explain using the following handy pocket reference guide which I have prepared for your convenience:
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is comprised of the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Province of Northern Ireland.
Northern Ireland is part of the land mass of Ireland but should not be confused with the Irish Republic (Eire), which is a state in its own right and nothing to do with the UK. Northern Ireland has its own set of laws, which are naturally enough created by the British Parliament based in Westminster, although there is some expectation that legislative power will shortly be devolved to Stormont.
The UK did at one stage include the whole of Ireland, and at that point was known as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, but the Irish didn't like this system particularly since they thought that Ireland should have come before Great Britain. It was therefore scaled down at a later date, mainly on account of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. The Irish are technically from Scotland.
Great Britain is comprised of the Kingdom of England, the Kingdom of Scotland, the Principality of Wales, and various other minor places. England is a Kingdom because it is ruled by a King (technically a Queen at present, but that's by the by). Scotland is also a Kingdom because it is also ruled by a King. The Scottish King is also the English King - this tradition was started with a Frenchman called James. Wales is a Principality because although it did have a King, he was a different King from the English King; this was against the rules and he was therefore replaced by an English Prince whom the English King at the time (Edward, who pretended to be French but who was technically in many senses really from Sweden) had just had delivered for the occasion. The Prince was also called Edward so as to prevent any confusion.
Great Britain is so called in order to prevent any confusion with Little Britain, which is actually part of France, although David Walliams mistakenly thinks otherwise, and the term "Briton" technically refers to a certain Celtic ethnic group which currently represents about 1% of the population of the UK, and is therefore an ideal choice as an appellation to describe its entire people. The English are technically from Scandinavia and Germany, the Scots are technically from Ireland (q.v. the Irish), and the Welsh are technically from England.
The Kingdom of England generally shares its law with the Principality of Wales, although the Welsh also have a separate Assembly with some lawmaking powers. English laws are created by the British Government in Westminster, the ruling body of which is comprised primarily of Scots. These particular Scots, however, are not responsible for laws in Scotland, which are passed by the Scottish Parliament, comprised of a different set of Scots. Therefore although Scotland and Wales (and even Northern Ireland in the very near future) have their own lawmaking bodies, England has no such separate body and is governed directly by the British Government. This gives rise to the West Lothian Question which relates to whether it is appropriate that e.g. Scottish MPs in Westminster can have a say in English affairs whereas English MPs in Westminster do not have a comparable say in Scottish affairs. It is also quite an irony since for the past 1000 years or so the English have spent most of their time telling the Welsh, the Scots and the Irish exactly what to do.
This clear and logical system translates easily into the international sphere. It should therefore be quite plain to the reader as to why England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland field four separate football teams, Northern Ireland and Great Britain (united) field two separate athletics teams (except in the Commonwealth Games), and the UK fields one united military which - for reasons which should by now be obvious - was based throughout the '70s and '80s mostly in Germany but is now based mostly in the Arabian desert.
It therefore makes perfect sense that the whole business is presided over by a Queen from Germany and a Prince Consort from Greece.
I hope this clears the matter up. Any questions?
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is comprised of the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Province of Northern Ireland.
Northern Ireland is part of the land mass of Ireland but should not be confused with the Irish Republic (Eire), which is a state in its own right and nothing to do with the UK. Northern Ireland has its own set of laws, which are naturally enough created by the British Parliament based in Westminster, although there is some expectation that legislative power will shortly be devolved to Stormont.
The UK did at one stage include the whole of Ireland, and at that point was known as the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, but the Irish didn't like this system particularly since they thought that Ireland should have come before Great Britain. It was therefore scaled down at a later date, mainly on account of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. The Irish are technically from Scotland.
Great Britain is comprised of the Kingdom of England, the Kingdom of Scotland, the Principality of Wales, and various other minor places. England is a Kingdom because it is ruled by a King (technically a Queen at present, but that's by the by). Scotland is also a Kingdom because it is also ruled by a King. The Scottish King is also the English King - this tradition was started with a Frenchman called James. Wales is a Principality because although it did have a King, he was a different King from the English King; this was against the rules and he was therefore replaced by an English Prince whom the English King at the time (Edward, who pretended to be French but who was technically in many senses really from Sweden) had just had delivered for the occasion. The Prince was also called Edward so as to prevent any confusion.
Great Britain is so called in order to prevent any confusion with Little Britain, which is actually part of France, although David Walliams mistakenly thinks otherwise, and the term "Briton" technically refers to a certain Celtic ethnic group which currently represents about 1% of the population of the UK, and is therefore an ideal choice as an appellation to describe its entire people. The English are technically from Scandinavia and Germany, the Scots are technically from Ireland (q.v. the Irish), and the Welsh are technically from England.
The Kingdom of England generally shares its law with the Principality of Wales, although the Welsh also have a separate Assembly with some lawmaking powers. English laws are created by the British Government in Westminster, the ruling body of which is comprised primarily of Scots. These particular Scots, however, are not responsible for laws in Scotland, which are passed by the Scottish Parliament, comprised of a different set of Scots. Therefore although Scotland and Wales (and even Northern Ireland in the very near future) have their own lawmaking bodies, England has no such separate body and is governed directly by the British Government. This gives rise to the West Lothian Question which relates to whether it is appropriate that e.g. Scottish MPs in Westminster can have a say in English affairs whereas English MPs in Westminster do not have a comparable say in Scottish affairs. It is also quite an irony since for the past 1000 years or so the English have spent most of their time telling the Welsh, the Scots and the Irish exactly what to do.
This clear and logical system translates easily into the international sphere. It should therefore be quite plain to the reader as to why England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland field four separate football teams, Northern Ireland and Great Britain (united) field two separate athletics teams (except in the Commonwealth Games), and the UK fields one united military which - for reasons which should by now be obvious - was based throughout the '70s and '80s mostly in Germany but is now based mostly in the Arabian desert.
It therefore makes perfect sense that the whole business is presided over by a Queen from Germany and a Prince Consort from Greece.
I hope this clears the matter up. Any questions?
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