The DVLA are shit. I have proof.
Polite Welsh Man: Hello, this is the DVLA. How can I help?
Me: Hello, yes, I wonder if you can help me. My car tax is due at the end of this month, but I haven't received a reminder yet, the number from which I need in order to fill in your wizzy Internet application for a car tax disc, thus saving you, the government, money, thus saving me, the taxpayer, money, thus benefitting both of us in a mutual not-as-much-money-being-spent kind of a way.
PWM: Ah, no problem sir, we'll send one out right away. Can you just confirm the registration number?
Me: Yes, it's Sierra Five One Five Juliet Charlie, er, whatever the phonetic for "Y" is*.
(a brief dialogue ensues)
PWM: Ah, but you see the thing is, we haven't received a change of owner for that car, so the reminder will have gone to the old owner.
Me: Ah, but you see the thing is, I do own this car, I've owned it since September, I've got the car keys, I've got the code for the radio, I've got it pre-programmed to all the radio stations that I like, at least insofar as it's possible to like nine of the frankly rather poor radio stations currently available in this country. I've got the thing from the dealer that says it's mine, all my friends have seen me in it, my mum's taken my photo in it, I've even got that funny little bit of New Keeper paper and everything. I know: How about I just give you the number off that and you can send me the reminder that way?
PWM: I'm afraid you'll have to send us the New Keeper slip along with an Application Form. Then we'll send you a Log Book.
Me: And one I get a Log Book, I can get the car taxed, right?
PWM: That's right sir.
Me: OK, how long will that take?
PWM: About six weeks, sir, all being well.
Me: Six weeks huh? Well, that is very quick given the huge amount of effort clearly involved on your part, but I kind of need it taxed at the end of this month - that is to say, in considerably less than six days, never mind the sextuplet of weeks of which you speak. How could I get it taxed in the meantime? Can I get some sort of interim road tax dispensation order, perhaps, or a letter from the Queen?
PWM: I'm afraid not sir, obviously you'll have to keep it off the road until you want to get it taxed.
Me: Ah yes, that is obvious now you put it that way. But I want to get it taxed now. I have insurance, I have an MOT, I even have a ridiculous sum of money which I wish to give unto you as a token of respect for the superbly efficient administration system which it appears you have constructed.
PWM: Yes, but you don't have a Log Book, I'm afraid.
Me: And why don't I have a Log Book?
PWM: Because we haven't received details of you having taken ownership.
Me: But I've just given you the details.
PWM: We need it on the proper form, I'm afraid sir.
Me: But you accept that I'm the owner of the car?
PWM: Yes sir.
Me: And you accept that I have valid insurance, MOT, and some money with which to pay you the requisite price?
PWM: Yes sir.
Me: Yet despite these facts, despite the clear evidence that I am doing everything I possibly can in order to stay on the right side of the law, no matter what injustices and wrongs have been done unto me, the motoring public, by you, the evil persecuting public-transport-obsessed monolithic state, you still refuse to grant me the one thing I cherish and desire above all else** despite the relative simplicity of doing so, thus forcing me to choose between wilfully living the life of a brigand and an outlaw, or an inability to travel in my car in order to, for example, I don't know, get to my job perhaps, or do my shopping, yes, the shopping for the food and drink I require to live and without which my body will wither and die, or, well, let's say, visit my mother?
PWM: That's about the size of it, yes, sir.
Me: I see. Well, is there anything else you can suggest I do?
PWM: Yes sir. Perhaps you could leave the car off the road either on the drive that you don't have or in the garage that you also don't have, whilst using the contingency car that funnily enough you don't have either in order to fulfil your personal transport type requirements. Or you could perhaps indulge in a spot of pogo stickery? Or possibly you could fly around everywhere, if you're richer than Cardinal Richelieu and not too worried about the carbon emissions.
Me: Right, thanks then.
PWM: Is there anything else I can help you with today then, sir?
Me: I don't think it's technically possible to answer that question, since doing so would imply that you have already helped me with something, a conclusion clearly not in alignment with the facts as they present themselves for independent inspection, I think you must agree.
PWM: Okay, good point, anything else you want to discuss then?
Me: Yes. Fuck you, DVLA. Fuck you.
PWM: Thank you very much sir.
Me: Thanks then. Bye.
PWM: Goodbye.
___
* it's "Yankee", as it turns out
** my dear reader excepted, of course. If you are clever, pretty, rich, and single. And a girl.
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6 comments:
I fucking hate DVLA.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me too, they are so crap in every way
I despise them, they are a totally shit organisation. Full of incompetant staff and liars.
I fucking hate the DVLA. I sold a car, sent off the V5 with the new details, 6 months later I get a fine through saying I haven't informed them. I send a letter back saying in fact, I fucking did. Here is the name and address of the guy I sold it to, also signed by him... letter back saying I should have chased up a letter they're meant to send so I have to pay the fine.
So in essence, I have to pay a fine for them being a bunch of incompetent cunts, an because I didn't chase them up on DOING THEIR FUCKING JOB, because I didn't receive some letter I should have had? Am I a fucking trader? How the actual fuck am I supposed to know that they're meant to send me a letter?
Absolute bunch of 100% sumbag cunting fuckwits.
I've just made about the 20th call to chase the replacement of my licence. The so-called lady I spoke to was patronising, talked over me, was obtuse, deliberately provocative and as the tone of my voice became more stern she told me not to talk to her like that as she was only trying to help.
At that point, I could only have wished for a 30th generation tactile phone with the optional hand accessories so I could have reached long-distance to grab her by the neck to strangle the sour bint.
So the course of action seems to be - be partially truthful, wind-up the people who rely on your so-called services, fail to understand even basic English and then treat callers like an unwelcome distration from bitching about how awful it is to work at the good 'ol DVLA.
What a bunch of unmitigated twonks!! It is a shame that they are propped up with tax payers money. No commercial organisation would last a second with these kinds of cultural deficits.
SO I've one or two motors and a couple are on the road and in use and a couple or more are off the road. This has been the case for a few years and I know only too well the statutory requirement to continuously licence whether that be via a tax disc in the window or a SORN. We know this only too well by falling foul of the SORN penalty fine when it was first introduced. You subsequently therefore become a little paranoid in ensuring that everything vehicular that you own fully complies with their rules and regulations.
Using the online functionality couldn't be easier and a quick email back from them confirms that you are all SORN'd up for another 12 months. Fantastic, got those filed away so I won't be required to top up the DVLA xmas party fund this year BUT WAIT something has changed ....late December apparently the changes announced in the 2013 Budget have taken effect and your SORN is now indefinite. The little note on the DVLA Home page says this:If your vehicle has a SORN which is due to expire, this has now been made indefinite. If you need to tax your vehicle, please use your V5C Registration Certificate (log book) as your tax reminder (V11) has been made invalid by this change.
Hold on Head of DVLA Effective Communications Director - just a mo....
What about my comfort blanket of an email confirmation that I am complying with your regulations and that I am safe from receiving a fine for non compliance?
What about your operators words of wisdom that still ring in my ear saying that if I didn't continuously SORN I would lose my entitlement to my personalised number plate?
What about just a link on your advisory message to the Budget announcement and some helpful background?
What about just a smidgeon of customer empathy to explain to the folk who submit 4 million SORN's per annum that a change has been introduced.
Thank goodness for Google and especially the Honest John website who does a cracking job of keeping motorists up to speed...because you DVLA certainly don't!!
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